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Chelsea Handler knows she has some big shoes to fill when she hosts the MTV Video Music Awards in L.A. September 12 -- but that doesn't mean the comedian plans to outperform the evening's musical guests.

"I've actually watched a bunch of the VMAs from over the past few years and there was definitely a lot of singing and dancing," Handler, 35, tells MTV. "I'm not a dancer and I'm not a singer, and I don't have the kind of ass that should be mooned. I mean it's sweet, it's a sweet ass, but it's little and it's white -- it's a little too white, actually. I don't go bottomless often enough to get a decent tan."

Instead, the comedian says she plans to leave the performances to artists like Usher, Eminem and Kanye West. "I'm there to be funny, kind of, so hopefully I'll just kind of doing that," she says.

One performer she isn't looking forward to seeing: 16-year-old Justin Bieber.

"He's two-faced is what he is. He acted like we were in a committed relationship and then was prancing around with Kim Kardashian on the beach like they're a couple," she joked. "Obviously the guy is not genuine and he's using the flirting card with anybody he meets. And I'm not going to fall for that."

Kidding aside, the best-selling author promises to put on a hilarious show.

"It's going to be great. It's going to be fun," she says. "It's the perfect kind of loosey-goosey environment for me to get away with what I do."