Ellen DeGeneres Charms as Host of 2014 Oscars: All Her Best Jokes!

Entertainment Mar. 2, 2014 AT 9:50PM
Ellen DeGeneres hosts the 2014 Academy Awards Host Ellen DeGeneres poked fun at Jennifer Lawrence, Jonah Hill, and other stars at the 2014 Oscars Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty

Welcome back, Ellen! Seven years after she first hosted Hollywood's biggest night of the year, Ellen DeGeneres returned to the Oscars stage to emcee the 2014 Academy Awards on Sunday, March 2. Taking the stage at L.A.'s Dolby Theatre in a custom Saint Laurent suit, the comedienne, 56, promptly got to work charming the star-studded crowd, which included nominees like Jennifer Lawrence, Lupita Nyong'o, Jared Leto, Amy Adams, and Meryl Streep.

During her opening monologue, the talk show host poked fun at Liza Minnelli, Barkhad Abdi, and Lawrence, who famously tripped during last year's ceremony, and then fell again on the red carpet at this year's event. "If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar," DeGeneres quipped to the American Hustle nominee.

She also gave Lawrence's costar Bradley Cooper a consolation prize -- lottery scratch-off tickets -- for losing Best Supporting Actor to Jared Leto. "Here's a quarter," she said. "I'm gonna need that back."

PHOTOS: What the stars wore to the 2014 Oscars

See more of the host's best jokes and quotes from the ceremony, and check back throughout the evening for updates!

On the 2014 nominees: "I think you should think of yourselves as winners. Not all of you, but the people who've won before -- you should think of yourselves as winners."

xOn the nominees' accomplishments: "Between all the nominees here tonight, you've done over 1400 films, 1400 films, and you've gone to a total of six years of college."

On pregnant Kerry Washington: "Our next presenter could go home with a little man of her own -- meaning she could give birth at any moment."?

PHOTOS: Celebs' first Oscar appearances

To Jonah Hill, who flashed a prosthetic penis in Wolf of Wall Street: "No, no I don't want to see it."

On Dallas Buyers Club: "It deals with the serious issue of people having sex at the rodeo... speaking of, Bruce Dern is here tonight."

On Barkhad Abdi: "He is from Somalia. He is a Sommelier so he knows a lot about wine, and that is impressive. Who's the wine captain now?!"

PHOTOS: Oscar hosts' best and worst moments ever

On tipping the pizza guy: "Where's Harvey Weinstein? Harvey, no pressure -- only a billion people are watching. Whatever you think is right."

On the Best Picture nominees: "We should get started. It's going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility number one: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility number two: You're all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway."

On Jared Leto: "I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean, he's the prettiest. Boy is he pretty."

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