Bring on the scandal! Not only did Claire Fraser (Caitriona Balfe) get low-key poisoned during the Saturday, April 30, episode of Starz's Outlander, she and Mary Hawkins (Rosie Day) were assaulted on the mean streets of Paris. Meanwhile, Jamie Fraser (Sam Heughan) — who's taken to wearing his hair in a bow, FYI — threw a ridiculously dramatic dinner party and got his sexual groove back … with a prostitute.
P.S. Jamie and Claire talked baby names during this episode, and he wants to name their child Dalhousie. Praying.
Haters Everywhere She Goes: Claire Gets Poisoned
Real talk: Someone is trying to kill Claire, and we think it's Comte St. Germain (Stanley Weber), a.k.a. her No. 1 nemesis who literally cannot get over that one time she had his ship burned to the ground due to #SmallpoxDrama. Anyway, Claire was minding her own business while watching a chess game between Jamie and the minister of finance when she took a sip of her wine and immediately buckled over in pain. The good news was that Claire and her baby survived thanks to the poison being "bitter cascara," which appeared to be nonlethal. The bad news was the Comte totally throwing side-eye while Claire was semi-dying, and she became convinced he spiked her drink. Sigh, just when you thought this guy had reached peak wack.
Claire headed straight over to her apothecary buddy, Master Raymond (Dominique Pinon), to make sure he didn't sell the Comte any bitter cascara, and he reassured Claire by 1) giving her a necklace that senses poison (side note: do you think they sell them at Claire's, y/n?) and 2) offering to read her future, which led to the revelation that Claire will most definitely see her OG husband, Frank Randall (Tobias Menzies), again.
Oh, and speaking of Raymond, he shadily told Claire, "I'm fascinated by things not of this time," so clearly he has an inkling about her complicated relationship with stone circles.
Love Shack, Baby
So Claire and Jamie finally had sex. Yay! But before you get too excited, he also kinda-sorta-maybe hooked up with a prostitute at ye olde local brothel. Here's the deal: Claire finally told her man that his archnemesis, Jack Randall (Menzies), is alive, which he was thrilled about. So thrilled that he went to the brothel and got busy with a prostitute who bit his thighs. At this point, Jamie was like, "Whoa, whoa, I'm married!" (in so many words) and went home to get it on with Claire, who was understandably horrified to find bite marks on him. They ended up having a deep conversation about how Jamie's finally feeling like himself due to the fact that he can kill Randall, and about how Claire feels alone in her pregnancy. Basically, it's complicated.
Claire and Jamie ended up going to bed in separate rooms, but fear not — Claire woke Jamie up in the middle of the night, and they had "pregnancy sex." (We believe that's the official term. In any case, Claire's bump was on full display, so round of applause to Outlander's makeup team.)
Baby Makes Three
Lest you forget, Jamie and Claire were in Paris to stop the Jacobite rebellion, which means they had to persuade the Duke of Sandringham (Simon Callow) not to back Prince Charles (Andrew Gower). Their plan? To throw a huge dinner party so that the duke realizes how totally nuts Charles is, of course. Oh, and there was a convenient twist: Claire found out that her best friend, Louise de Rohan (Claire Sermonne), had been having an affair with Charles and happened to be pregnant with his baby — a fact that he definitely didn't know.
Claire persuaded Louise to tell her husband that the kid is his, which gave Jamie the opportunity to cleverly spill the pregnancy beans during dinner, sending Charles into a jealous rage in front of the duke. So Jamie and Claire's plan was a huge success and everything ended up totally thumbs-up, right? Wrong.
La Dame Blanche
Please prepare yourself for drama because this is what goes down behind the scenes of Jamie's dinner party: For reasons that can only be described as "obsessive do-goodery," Claire headed to the charity hospital mere hours before her party, and ended up having to walk home in the dark with Mary Hawkins, which was clearly the worst plan in the history of terrible plans. After Mary announced that she's in love with Jack Randall's brother, Alex (Laurence Dobiesz), she and Claire were attacked by a group of masked men who wasted no time raping and assaulting Mary while Claire looked on in horror. Their attackers also attempted to rape Claire, but when they saw her face, they inexplicably yelled out, "La dame blanche!" and ran away in fear. It's like, is there anywhere Claire can go without being accused of what we assume is the French equivalent of witchcraft? Can she live?
Claire seemed convinced that Mary's attack was orchestrated by the Comte (even though he was at their party during the incident), and — in a horrible twist — realized she can't take Mary to a hospital for treatment lest word spread that her virtue is no longer intact. Instead, Claire gave Mary some poppy syrup (what could possibly go wrong?!) and asked Alex to look after her while she slept. Turns out, this was yet another terrible idea because Mary woke up, mistook Alex for her rapist, started screaming and caused the entire dinner party to rush in and find Alex on top of her. Naturally, everyone thought he was raping her, Mary's old-man fiancé assumed his bride-to-be was spoiled goods and — more importantly — Prince Charles left with the Comte, who called the police.
Sigh, no good can come of this.
Tell Us: Did the Comte poison Claire?
Outlander airs on Starz Saturdays at 9 p.m. ET.
