Well, we’ve made it. It’s been a wild season of Fox’s Scream Queens, which came to an end with the finale on Tuesday, December 20. The ridiculousness (in the best possible way!) carried over from the first season, so we were in for one heck of a night.
Cascade Comes Clean
We picked back up with one of the remaining Green Meanies attempting an unsuccessful attack on Chanel (Emma Roberts. Meanwhile, Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd) was alone. Um, didn’t these girls learn about the buddy system in grade school? Cassidy (Taylor Lautner) removed his mask (after starting to threaten Chanel No. 3 with a knife first, we should add), and revealed/told her he’s made up his mind and wants out of the whole Green Meanie Revenge operation. Cassidy figured if he wants to keep Chanel No. 3 alive, he has no choice but to kill Jane (ahem, his own mother …) to put a stop to it all.
Cassidy found Nurse Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) and let it be known he wanted out of the whole operation. He told her she can kill off anyone else she wanted, but to keep her hands off of Chanel No. 3. Nurse Hoffel, per usual, can’t be bothered — and told Cassidy he’s “just another problem.” Cassidy eventually sat down for a meal with Jane (Trilby Glover) and Chanel No. 3, coming clean to his mom that he’s finished with the killing. Jane was pissed and stormed out, calling Chanel No. 3 a jezebel.
Going to the Chapel, a.k.a. Operating Room
Hester (Lea Michele) cornered Dr. Holt (John Stamos) and reiterated her plans for the both of them. She’s infatuated with the idea of running away to Blood Island, where, in her own words, they can live as “two murderers with no one to murder, except each other.” She convinced him to propose to Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), so once she’s dead, they can steal her savings and run away with it.
Meanwhile, Chanel admitted to both Chanel Nos. 3 and 5 (Abigail Breslin) that she has been snooping through Brock’s browser history and spotted a search for cheap engagement rings. She’s convinced he’s going to propose, and doesn’t even mind the “cheap” aspect of it all. Aw, she’s growing! Right on cue, Nurse Hoffel invited them all to Munsch’s hospital room for a “surprise.” The real surprise was on Chanel, who after just believing she was the one being proposed to, saw Brock pivot and drop to one knee in front of Munsch’s hospital bed to pop the question. Brock told Munsch he wanted to spend the rest of her (few) days together, and she accepted the proposal. And they say romance is dead!
The pair were married right in the hospital hallways, with the entire staff and crew watching — and associate justice of the Supreme Court Anthony Kennedy officiating. Munsch was rocking her typical black power suit, complete with a full white veil, while being rolled in a wheelchair. Wedding goals, TBH. Oh, except for that part about the whole ceremony being a sham.
After the wedding, Chanel No. 5 — she passed her MCATs without cheating, people! — let Munsch know that there is actually a small chance she doesn’t have kuru disease (it’s a real thing, look it up!). But in order to have a conclusive answer, they will have to perform a craniotomy (literally, cutting off a piece of skull as to operate easily on the brain … while awake). Munsch agreed and allowed Cassidy and Brock to operate on her brain. The results came back, and there was nothing. She never actually ate human brain, just the brain of a lamb — so there’s no way she has kuru. Munsch is apparently just very, very dehydrated.
The Green Weenie
To celebrate the good news from Munsch’s surgery, Nurse Hoffel invited the entire group down to the basement for a small “party.” If your idea of a fun time is being locked in a cage with a group of people and threatened with a gun by a crazy lady, this was the party for you! She’d devised a plan (thanks to the new genius abilities of Chanel No. 5) to drain the entire swamp, and turn it into a fertilizer bomb. Hoffel revealed to the group her last name is actually Bean, and they all make the connection she’s related to the poor deep-fried maid from season 1.
She also revealed that Cassidy is the third Green Meanie, and all of these factors are why she sought revenge. Zayday (Keke Palmer) entered with Jill and was able to talk some sense into her, so Jill attempted to make things right with Nurse Hoffel/Bean. Hoffel was having none of it, per usual, and shot her right in the chest. Jill died in Cassidy’s arms, telling him that he — and Zayday — saved her.
In what was probably the best plot twist of the season, Nurse Hoffel was unaware that Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash) had awoken from her stay in the cryo chamber, and — surprise! — finally got to put those good ol’ Quantico skills to use. She detonated the bomb and freed everyone from the cage. The entire group found themselves outside, surrounding Hoffel. She attempted to throw a machete at the Chanels (didn’t you hear? everyone casually carries machetes these days!), but Cassidy jumped in front of it before it could take anyone else down.
While he died and confessed his love to Chanel No. 3, Hoffel literally fell into a pit of the quicksand swamp. Nobody cared to save her cause, ya know, she’s evil and all — except for Munsch, who attempted to fish her out with some sort of stick, but failed miserably. RIP Nurse Hoffel, er … Bean.
Aftermath
The dust had settled, the drama had calmed down, and we got to catch up a bit on where everyone is now. Chanel No. 5 (she aced the MCATs without cheating, remember?!) and Zayday are both big shots running the hospital now. They’ve turned it into a reputable operation, which now actually helps people.
Munsch (hydrated and all) decided she wants to clear her entire savings and take Brock with her to Aspen to start a whole new life. Little did she know, Hester had already beat her to the punch and (in an awful wig) successfully impersonated Munsch, clearing the bank accounts. Hester and Brock lived happily ever after on Blood Island, while Munsch picked herself back up — you go, girl — relocated to Aspen and opened her dream business of Sex Therapy for Women Over 50.
Chanel, most importantly, had all her wishes and dreams come true and now hosts her own medical-theme television talk show, produced by Chanel No. 3: Loving the C With Chanel Oberlin. She credits herself as a “TV doctor” and still lives by her forever motto, “I get what I deserve, and I deserve everything I get.” We cut to Chanel leaving the studio lot and climbing into the driver’s seat of her new Range Rover (license plate number: RICHAGN). The mood shifted, and she noticed a small Kappa pin on the passenger seat. Just like that, the Red Devil popped up in her backseat. Here we go again!
Tell Us: What did you think of the finale?
