Nothing was off limits at the Bieber Roast… although there was one joke Justin didn't seem too keen on (more on that below).
On Saturday night, Justin Bieber sat front and center during the Comedy Central taping and endured a brutal four-hour tirade of pretty much everything he has done wrong in his life so far.
In fact, it was on from the very moment everyone arrived. As guests took their seats, an egg was placed on each person's plate "for tasting not tossing."
Roast master Kevin Hart kicked things off and perhaps put it best: "Tonight we are gonna do what parents and the legal system should have done a long time… give the boy an ass wooping he deserves."
Snoop Dogg, Martha Stewart, Ludacris, Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Shaquille O'Neil, Jeff Ross, Hannibal Buress, Chris D'Elia, and Pete Davidson all participated in the skewering of the singer.
"Over under an hour… how long do you think Justin Bieber makes it before walking off the stage," one guest was overheard asking on his way into the taping. There were a lot of comments like that from attendees during the cocktail hour that took place ahead of the main event, and to Justin's credit he sat through it all. He just started off looking like a nervous wreck.
The Biebs took the stage, sitting next to Snoop while Hart got the festivities started. For the first time at one of these — and perhaps unbeknownst to the 21-year-old singer — there was a split screen set up so the audience could see Justin's reaction during the jabs. He gave some smiles during Hart's intro, but it was clear he had no idea what he had gotten himself into. However, once things got going and Justin saw that all the comedians go after one another too he seemed to calm down and really enjoy himself.
"Selena Gomez couldn't be here tonight. Just because she didn't want to be here," Hart said, eliciting one of the first big laughs from the pop star.
A few other jokes that got Justin to crack up:
"You have it all… except love, friends, good parents and a Grammy." – Chris D'Elia
"Justin, I don't like your music. I think it's bad, man. I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy." – Hannibal Buress
"Justin, you're so pretty, when inmates see your mug shot, they swipe right." – Snoop
"All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time." – Natasha Legerro
"Justin… you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn't rank that low… and he uses your music to torture people." – Shaq
"Sixty million Twitter followers? The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower." – Martha Stewart
"Orlando Bloom took a swing at you, you have a perfume called Girlfriend, you threw eggs at a house… not gangsta." – Kevin Hart
"You act so much like a p–sy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you." – Ludacris
Mind you, Justin's mom and grandparents were in the audience to hear all that and more (those one-liners are really just a drop in the bucket).
All in all there was only one joke that Bieber didn't seem to find too funny. No, it wasn't one of the three Bruce Jenner ones (Kendall and Kourtney Kardashian were in attendance to hear those), but rather one about his most famous ex.
"Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she's dating men now," Jeff Ross began. "Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won't do."
Justin didn't seem too pleased, giving a stonefaced reaction. But he was a good sport about many of the other Selena digs. (For example: "You're about to get f–ked harder that Orlando Bloom f–ked Selena Gomez" and "Selena Gomez had to f–k you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in show business.")
In the end, it was Bieber who got the last word — and a standing ovation — when he took the mic, and the "Confident" singer was pretty good in his delivery too.
“Damn, you guys were brutal,” he said. “This was supposed to be a birthday present. When people ask me what I got for my 21st birthday, I’ll tell them I got my d–k kicked in. I should have known.”
"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?" Justin continued. "A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."
But his joke that got the biggest audience reaction was this: "Martha Stewart: Thanks for coming. I'll bet that's something you don't do much of anymore."
However, Bieber ended things on a serious note, apologizing once again for his bad behavior.
"I turned a lot of people off over the past few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything all around," he said. "I've lost some of my best qualities. For that, I am sorry… I'm looking forward to being someone who you guys can all look at and be proud of."
He added, "Someone close to me once said, 'It's how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.' I'm excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me."
Clearly, the night didn't get Justin down. Following the taping, he hopped on a private jet and headed to Las Vegas to party it up.
Check out the Bieber roast when it airs March 30 on Comedy Central.
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