Here are some things that happened in the hour-long episode of ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise on Tuesday, August 9: Emily Ferguson got drunk and said, “I’m super-horny. I’m not gonna f–k Jorge”; Evan Bass lost his mind postbreakup; scorned man Nick Viall remained bitter at Josh Murray; and Daniel Maguire found himself hopelessly infatuated with Sarah Herron. Also, since you’re probably wondering due to potential blindness, no crabs were filmed having sex this week. Thanks, ABC!
Update: Nick Still Hates Josh
At this point, Josh and Amanda Stanton are basically one person — that’s how much saliva they have shared. There was barely any footage where they weren’t attached to each other’s mouths — and yes, Nick noticed. However, he adorably tried to pretend he didn’t by saying, “Josh is trying to irritate me, and I don’t actually give a s–t.”
Unfortunately for Nick, the women have control this week, which means he could be going home during next week’s rose ceremony if he doesn’t get his act together and find another girlfriend. “I really hope I get a rose somehow,” Nick mused. “I don’t know how I am gonna get a rose, especially now that Josh has a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.” Feel that? It’s #TheBurn. Not to be confused with #TheBern. That’s totally different.
Sarah Finds Herself in a Love Triangle
Sarah has so many boyfriends, guys! This week, JoJo Fletcher‘s ex Christian Bishop meandered into Paradise, and immediately asked Sarah on a date. They had a fabulous time zip-lining and making out, and good news: Christian could not stop talking about how sexy Sarah was. He actually said, “She kinda straddled me a bit — that was hot and sexy to have her on top of me.”
But what about Dan? The confused Canadian dreamboat was totally besotted with Sarah and flew into a fit of jealousy when she went out with Christian, saying, “I’m just sitting back here in the mansion with my d–k in my hand.” To be fair, Sarah appeared to understand Dan on a level no one else does. For example, she laughed flirtatiously when he said, “I think I’ve been dropped on my head a couple times.” Most people would cry.
“He’s weird, and he’s odd, and I really like it,” Sarah explained, while America side-eyed her. “And that feels really weird, and real, and weird. Like, really weird.”
Also weird, the fact that Dan didn’t kiss Sarah for fear of giving her the Zika virus.
Carly and Evan Break Up, the World Mourns
Remember yesterday when Carly Waddell vomited after kissing Evan? Apparently, he didn’t take the hint and went into this week describing their “perfect” smooch, while Cary was just all, “His hands were all over my body. It was a nightmare.”
“Evan just doesn’t, like, have any swag,” the traumatized reality star told cameras. “He’s in erectile dysfunction, which is crazy because Evan makes people have sex. He’s only concentrating on men’s boners. He’s not concentrating on the lady boner.”
Carly ended up putting Evan out of his misery by saying she wasn’t “romantically interested” in dating him, and he was crushed. Like, to the point where he was lying on a bed crying as ABC helpfully aired footage of a dead fish. Which brings us to …
Life Post-#Carvan
For reasons that are best chalked up to insanity, Evan decided the best thing to do postbreakup was to ask Amanda on a date. You know, Amanda? The girl glued to Josh? Her. Fortunately, ABC pulled a “to be continued” on everyone, and we didn’t have to watch Evan attempt to ask out Mandy, but he prepped for the big moment by writing himself a date card (yikes) and saying the following: “Josh is trying to be the good guy while hiding his inner bad guy. I wanna cry because I’m doing things I’ve never done before.”
Haley and Emily Get Their Prank On
So what did Carly get up to while Evan was busy spiraling? She developed a crush on Brandon Andreen, a dude no one remembers from Desiree Hartsock‘s season. Sadly, Brandon hit it off with Haley Ferguson instead, who he took out on a romantic dinner date. The catch? Emily swapped places with her twin to see if Brandon would notice, which he definitely didn’t. Poor thing was too busy telling the camera, “It’s a really, really beautiful thing we have going on right now. … I haven’t had this kinda chemistry in a very long time.” Awww, bless.
Tell Us: Will Amanda agree to go on a date with Evan? And was Carly overly harsh to him?
Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET.
