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Recessionista: Markdown Madness

Here it comes! Department stores give birth to complete insanity. My insider guy at Bergdorf's, Eddie, informed me that BG will mark down Spring and Summer merchandise to 50% this Thursday. I can hardly contain myself. And I'm not the only one! Women go bananas when there's a sale, especially on items with big ticket names: YSL, Alaia, Chanel, Manolo, DVF, Stella McCartney, Kors. I have learned that entering a sale this low may cause mental and physical harm to you.

Check out my tips for successful shopping:

1. Do not drink coffee before a sale. For two reasons: 1) you will be hyped up on caffeine and not think clearly. 2) you will need to go to restroom which is not on the same floor – which means you may/ miss out on that one Valentino floral applique bag.

2. Wear an anorak or some lightweight coat with deep pockets: not because you're shoplifting, but because you will ditch that suitcase of an "it" bag and keep all your necessities in those deep pockets.

3. Bring a phone to post your finds on Facebook or email a photo to friends to get quick opinions on whether you need yet another Louboutin slingback with a cork platform or a Tory tunic in a color you've never seen before.

4. Wear a little black dress, slip or tank – something that will work with all of these sale items: shoes, bags, jackets, etc.

5. Maintain your sanity. There will be bitchy salespeople as well as the bitchiest customers you've ever seen. You may also need a translator for all the different New York dialects spoken/spewed at you.

Check out which celebrities are bargain shoppers too!

6. Read, ask about, and do not assume the return policy. You may want to know how to get out of something when your husband demands why this is the 60th BG bag in the house this week. BAG TIP: you can always schlep over to Jam paper products [(212) 473-6666] and get those brown paper bags with no name printed on them and switch bags around before you get into the house.

7. There is always, always, always a way to get what you want if you want it that badly. Make friends not enemies with a salesperson and ask them to grab a particular shoe in your size on your behalf, give them your credit card number and instruct them to charge away. Sometimes the hot products end up on hold with no takers and you can breathe once again when that item is in your hot hands. Also, my requests sometimes seem futile, yet suddenly the YSL patent leather, shortie sold out bootie miraculously appears…in my size!

8. If anyone asks: "which color do you wear more often?" "Red goes with everything" "what would you wear more of..?" Slap them! It"s not about that! Or anything that sounds like that? Another slap!

9. Keep your purchases close. I once dropped a left shoe to try on another on-sale left shoe and almost got a back spasm chasing after a rather over zealous customer who took my Miu Miu ballerina thinking it was up for grabs.

10. Have fun! Happy shopping…and listen up, doll: If you think your ass looks fat in that – it probably is, you answered your own question.