Dean McDermott's infidelity is a symptom of a much bigger problem. In a new clip from True Tori, his Lifetime docu-series with Tori Spelling, the actor and reality star, 47, opens up about what drove him to cheat on his wife of seven years with 28-year-old Emily Goodhand.
"I didn't think that I would get caught," McDermott confesses to a friend. "I was drinking and using drugs, man. I was not dealing with things that happened to me in the past."
Sex, drugs, and alcohol were an escape of sorts—but as a self-described alcoholic, McDermott didn't know how or where to draw the line. "I have a brain that wants to kill me," he says. "I have a brain that wants me dead."
The father of five—he has four kids with Spelling and one son with ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace—goes on to explain to his friend how easy it is to lose control, and how important it is for him to get his life back on track.
"I need to change," he admits. "I am on the verge of losing everything that means anything to me in this world."
Spelling, 40—who was hospitalized recently for six days in part because of stress—spoke with Us Weekly earlier this month about McDermott's trip to rehab following his cheating confession in December. "He decided he had hit rock bottom," she told Us. "He had hurt me and the family, and it all crumbled. He needed to go away and work on himself."
"He wasn't dealing with a specific addiction," she added. "Dean has a lot of personal issues from his childhood, and I always knew alcohol was a trigger. He needed to work on things he hadn't worked on in 47 years."
Watch McDermott's confession above, and tune in to True Tori on Tuesday, April 29, at 10 p.m.