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Michelle Williams: Matilda Reminds Me of Heath Everyday

Tuesday – September 15, 2009 – 4:51pm

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More than a year after his tragic death, Michelle Williams opens up about losing Heath Ledger.

"I didn't know what my boundaries were for a long time, which made interviews feel very unsafe," Williams, 29, says in Vogue's October issue (on newsstands now) about her former boyfriend, who died of an accidental drug overdose at the age of 28 in January 2008.

She adds: "I can talk about grief because that's mine, about single parenting, about trying to balance work and kids. But what I don't have to talk about is what happened between Heath and me in our relationship."

She and Ledger -- who met while filming Brokeback Mountain -- dated for three years before they amicably split in August 2007. The duo had a daughter, Matilda Rose, 3.

See photos of happy star couples

"Brokeback Mountain was an unrepeatable moment in time, a very charmed time in my life," she tells Vogue. "I was in love. I was in a movie I was proud to be a part of, and with a beautiful brand-new baby. Everything was good in that moment.”

When he died, she struggled to cope.

See photos of Michelle and other moms in the winter

"I was holding it together by a string and a paper clip in the fall and winter," she says. "I didn’t know if I could keep it all together… You console yourself by saying it’s all a deepening process. But it’s wired. After the first year, the pain is less intense -- it’s less immediate. But the magical thinking goes away too. And that’s a whole new reckoning."

Still, their child provided her strength.

"Every time I really miss him and wonder where he’s gone, I just look at her," she says.

Look back at other shocking celeb news from last year

In July 2008, she began dating director Spike Jonze but admits it hasn't been easy.

"I thought falling in love again was the only thing that was going to save me from the pain," she laments. "This erroneous idea: It just makes things more complicated.”

Of the future, she says: "I feel hopeful and grateful. For a while I thought we had lost everything. It makes you want to love better and live better."

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September 16, 2009 - 12:09pm Anonymous Says:

Bless her, I'm sure this has been difficult.
September 16, 2009 - 9:48am Anonymous Says:

She was photographed on a date with Spike in March 2008, a few weeks after Heath's death. I didn't really catch the "poor widow in mourning" vibe from her. Watching her next to Heath at all the award shows, especially the Oscars, she refused to smile, and always wore a sullen, eye rolling expression. Can't figure her out, since Heath could have had anyone, and chose this mousy, pouty girl.
September 16, 2009 - 12:35am Manda Says:

She may only have one kid, but it's different when you go from a two parent to a single parent where both parents are still involved. But for her, she's went from having to just cover the mommy role... now she's got to fill that void left by Heath's death. When you start out as the only parent, you're more prepared. This wasn't a choice for her... so have some compassion!
September 15, 2009 - 10:01pm Anonymous Says:

I think we all know what happened with her and Heath. He wasn't ready to settle down, or at least not with her. That's why he was always runnin around with other people, partying it up.
September 15, 2009 - 10:01pm Anonymous Says:

I think we all know what happened with her and Heath. He wasn't ready to settle down, or at least not with her. That's why he was always runnin around with other people, partying it up.
September 15, 2009 - 9:17pm *NiNi* Says:

Umm, they're talking about Brokeback Mountain because that's the movie they starred in together. I think Michelle looks really beautiful on that cover though, and I really look forward to seeing Matilda get older. She already looks so much like her daddy :)
September 15, 2009 - 5:44pm LEISA Says:

Yeah and because of Heath's daughter she can never date..for ever stamped on her publicity file "known as Property of Heath Ledger.. I am so sick and tired of this..Why not have her promote his next movie the last one before he died instead...You don't talk about Anna's daughter Dannylyn who also lost a parent do to stupidity of drugs..GET IT NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND TALK ABOUT HEATH'S LAST MOVIE..INSTEAD OF BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN..
September 15, 2009 - 5:15pm Anonymous Says:

The children are the ones I feel the worse for because they are a part of someone they will never know or see. All they have is pictures to glare at wondering what they mustve been like. Then there is this emptiness they feel when they are around friends who have both parents because they dont know what that would be like. They cant relate and feel as if they had something taken from them. It's not fair. As a mother, I can not imagine having to console your child when they ask why they dont have a daddy and then trying to explain why they arent coming back and where they went.
September 15, 2009 - 5:14pm Anonymous Says:

"She adds: "I can talk about grief because that's mine, about single parenting, about trying to balance work and kids."" Does she more than one kid (Matilda)?
September 15, 2009 - 5:09pm Anonymous Says:

Holy eyebrows!