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True Tori Recap: Dean McDermott Admits He Had Suicidal Thoughts After Cheating Scandal

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott
During the April 29 episode of True Tori, Tori Spelling's husband Dean McDermott admitted to having suicidal thoughts in the wake of his cheating scandal last December

True Tori took a very serious turn on Tuesday, April 29, when Tori Spelling's husband, Dean McDermott, admitted to having suicidal thoughts in the wake of his cheating scandal last December. As part of the episode—which was filmed three months after McDermott's infidelity—the couple attended a therapy session together, during which Spelling said she was nervous to express her anger over the situation because of how it might affect him.

Related: PHOTOS: The biggest celebrity cheating scandals ever

"Honestly, I've already shut down because I just feel like I want to protect him," the 40-year-old mom of four admitted. "I feel how anxious he is. I can't express myself because it's gonna make him worse." Later, in a voiceover, she explained that McDermott had a nervous breakdown after the affair, and was emotionally and mentally fragile. "I don't want to send him spiraling, so I am scared," she said. "I'm scared to show him how angry I am."

Related: PHOTOS: Stars who've been cheated on

With good reason, it seems. Speaking about his breakdown on camera, McDermott said he remembers looking at the window that day and thinking about how easy it would be to "just dive out of it."

"The days leading up to my breakdown, I wanted to disappear," he explained in a voiceover. "I didn't want to feel what I was feeling all the time. I just thought, 'This is it. You can't get out of this. I blew it. Everything great in my life, I s–t on.' I just thought, 'Tori deserves me to die.'"

Related: PHOTOS: Tori's family album

McDermott's confession threw Spelling—and the producers of True Tori—for a major loop. Afterward, the Beverly Hills, 90210 alum pulled her husband aside to ask if he was really comfortable putting something that personal on camera. He claimed he was, but producers brought in a separate psychologist to ensure that he was stable enough to continue filming.

Related: PHOTOS: Stars who've battled mental health problems

"I know I will not take my life," McDermott said in the episode. "My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn't for so many, many years…My life means something because I'm getting the help that I need, and I'm surrounded by love and support, and for the longest time, I didn't deserve it and I'm just getting a little glimmer that I do deserve it…I know I don't deserve to die. I deserve to live."

True Tori airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on Lifetime.

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