Much like Jerry McGuire had us at “Hello,” American Horror Story: Hotel had us at Lady Gaga. The new installment of Ryan Murphy’s FX anthology series premiered on Oct. 7 in a wash of mystery and macabre, and the inaugural episode was a joy for horror enthusiasts — not to mention Little Monsters. (Not to be confused with the actual little monsters/child cannibals in this episode).
Keep reading for the biggest, weirdest, and craziest moments from AHS: Hotel’s premiere, and be forewarned: graphic content below.
Things Are Not Looking Good for Schmidt
Look, American Horror Story isn’t messing around. Within the show’s first half hour, a drug addict named Gabriel (New Girl’s Max Greenfield) had checked into Hotel Cortez and was in the middle of a heroin trip when the unthinkable happened: someone raped him with a drill. The scene was difficult to watch and completely shocking, so hopefully Det. John Lowe (Wes Bentley) will get his act together and solve this thing.
Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer Have Group Sex, Might Be Vampires
There are basically no words for AHS’ sex scene, so here’s a play-by-play: The Countess (Lady Gaga) sauntered into her love shack wearing silver nipple pasties, spent a few minutes making out with Donovan (Matt Bomer), and then made sweet love to two randoms. A few thrusts later, The Countess and Donovan killed their friends and drank their blood, so yeah, we’re traumatized. This is Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise circa Interview With a Vampire all over again.
Lady Gaga’s Gloves Are Secret Killing Machines
You know how Lady Gaga’s been rocking monster gloves in all the AHS promos? Turns out she uses her gloved nail to slit the throats of her victims — a skill she showed off when one of the victims tried to escape Hotel Cortez. Note to everyone: Lady Gaga is terrifying.
Det. John Lowe’s Child’s Life Is Ruined
#SaveTheChildren. Detective John Lowe took a break from Hotel Cortez to have a sushi dinner with his daughter, but received an ominous text from his wife (Chloë Sevigny) asking for help. Unfortunately, John brought the kid along to search for Mommy Lowe, and she stumbled upon two disemboweled men hanging from the ceiling. Suffice it to say, this child’s life is currently in shambles.
Lady Gaga Keeps a Secret Room Full of Vampire Children
Speaking of Det. John Lowe’s children, his son, Holden, disappeared in 2010 while riding a carousal. Not so shockingly, the poor kid lives with The Countess, and appears to spend his free time playing video games and being a cannibal. We can’t even process how high his therapy bills will be once he makes his escape from the Shining-esque hell he lives in.
Tell Us: which moment from the AHS Season 5 shocked you the most?
American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on FX.
Sign up now for the Us Weekly newsletter to get breaking celebrity news, hot pics and more delivered straight to your inbox!