Jennie Garth didn’t admit she was in love with Luke Perry until years after their Beverly Hills, 90210 days.
“The truth is, he was my first love. I never said it publicly. I never even really admitted it to myself until later. But it’s true,” Garth, 54, wrote in her I Choose Me memoir. “I had never loved someone like I loved Luke, in that way you love someone when you’re young and unsure and everything feels enormous.”
Garth also called their relationship “intense and unfinished” in the book, which hit shelves on Tuesday, April 14.
“We met when I was 18, and from the beginning there was this chemistry and flirtation between us,” she continued. “As our characters became romantically intertwined, there were many, many scenes that required us to be kissing, hugging, close together. I was acting, of course, until I wasn’t.”
Garth explained that she and Perry “couldn’t really date” because it would create complications for the show.
“At least that’s what I thought,” she admitted. “But for years we continued this flirtation.”
Her feelings became difficult when other actresses would get “that same attention and flirtation” from Perry.
“It was hard for me to endure as a young girl who yearned for that connection, and who wanted to feel like his only one. Loving Luke was complicated, full of moments of jealousy and longing, and yet we still shared experiences that were unforgettable,” Garth explained. “My experiences with Luke were a loose brick in the foundation of how I believed you should be treated in relationships.”
She added, “It set me up for many, many years of being really confused around love and trust and intimacy. It sent me further into my insecurities and wondering if I could ever truly be enough for someone. But even through the heartbreak, I never stopped caring. I know, deep in my soul, that he loved me back. Losing him still doesn’t feel real.”
Perry was rushed to the hospital in March 2019 after suffering a stroke. He died days later at age 52.
Garth wrote that she was “in a state of shock” when hearing about Perry’s death.
“No words would come out of my mouth. My whole body went cold, like the blood had drained out of me in an instant,” she recalled. “My chest tightened, and I couldn’t catch my breath — it was as if the air had been sucked out of the car. The word NO kept ricochetting in my mind like a wrecking ball. I went numb.”
Even now, Garth has a difficult time discussing his death.
“I still don’t really understand the effect our complicated relationship had on me,” the actress explained. “Luke occupies a sacred, private spot in my heart, and I don’t talk about him or the grief I carry over his death — not because it’s not there, but because it’s brutally private.”
I Choose Me is out now.
