It’s all on tape! In the third and final installment of the Vanderpump Rules season 4 reunion on Monday, April 4, Stassi Schroeder’s issues with Tom Schwartz and Lisa Vanderpump over her never-released solo sex tape came to a boil, while the other castmates’ drama bubbled up close behind.
Stassi the Mourn Star
Andy Cohen wasted no time cutting to the chase and reminding everyone that the issues with Stassi’s sex tape went way back. Like, all the way back to the finale for the previous season. (In the dramatic world of Vanderpump Rules, anything that lasts multiple seasons is a certified big deal!)
During the last finale, Scheana Shay was accused of watching the tape, which she admitted to. Lisa, as you’ll recall, put up the $900 of hush money that kept the tape away from the public (except from Scheana and everyone she showed, of course). Lisa never felt like Stassi was too appreciative of the money she dropped on the younger woman’s dignity, and that battle played out during this reunion.
“I was saving your ass!” Lisa hissed in her thick British accent.
Stassi tried to explain her side, but Lisa wasn’t having it. “No, no,” the Sur boss interrupted. “Don’t be ridiculous!”
Ass-king the Hard Questions
James Kennedy was next in the hot seat as Cohen grilled him on why — why?! — he chose to share the intimate details of Lala Kent’s sex life with Lisa. Still reeling from being privy to things she never wanted to know, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star waited (im)patiently for his answer, too.
Kennedy took the high road, apologizing to Lala, who began to cry. As she did this, Lisa alluded to what she’d learned about Lala, whispering to Andy, “I don’t lick [husband Ken Todd's] ass. … Am I missing something?”
Andy quickly assured her she is not.
A Comedy of Terrors
Next, Katie Maloney was asked why she kept such a small guest list for the launch party for her blog, which was the perfect moment for Cohen to revisit Tom Schwartz’s big telling-off of Schroeder. The former Sur server maintained that they had once been close, and she said she still admired his level-headedness and was appreciative that he had been so honest with her.
Tom Sandoval jumped in again with his insistence that Stassi’s tears had been all for show in an attempt to still get invited to Schwartz and Katie's engagement party. Schwartz stood up to him, saying he believed her tears were authentic. Awww, this sort of choked Us up! (Too bad Stassi didn’t get an invite and had to crash, anyway. Later in the show, Lisa sighed and said she had been trying to avoid that drama by barring Stassi from coming in the first place.)
“People who think people are calculated might be calculated themselves,” countered Stassi. “I don’t question people’s motives, ever!”
Adriana Madix and Kristen Doute then relieved Stassi of her Drama Queen crown for a moment, getting into a serious fight over a funny topic: Kristen’s foray into sketch comedy, which Madix saw as her turf.
"I don't buy a camera and call myself a photographer …" mused Adriana.
"Why do you care what I do?!" Kristen yelled before saying that her best friend, Rachael O’Brien, hated Adriana after meeting and being insulted by her. Adriana brushed that off, saying that was the same as being hated by a Donald Trump supporter, in that she was happy to be hated by Rachael. (Andy laughed, albeit alone, so Adriana is a decent comic to someone at least.)
Textual Tension
James was asked to review the moment in which he got fired. He blamed his ex, Kristen, of course, and that’s when everyone began yelling at one another.
“James,” called out Kristen amid the noise, “Go f–k yourself!”
He was rehired, but that resolution didn’t prevent Jax Taylor from threatening him … again. Jax went on to say how much he loved “the Toms,” so Andy asked why he ratted them out to Kristen for making fun of her comedy.
“I’m not a malicious person,” he said. “I just do a lot of stupid s–t.”
Speaking of doing stupid things, Cohen brought up “Tequila Katie.” He read some of Katie’s drunkest drunk texts to Schwartz out loud, including, “I can’t believe I thought you were marriage material. You should sell the ring.”
“That’s her warming up,” said Schwartz.
After Katie explained that he had no idea how to handle her when she’s having a meltdown, an exasperated Stassi told Schwartz, “She just wants to feel like you’re a team!”
These Guys Are Jerks
The audience got to see unseen footage of all the men finding a topless photo of Lisa in her home and running around pretending to … well, as she put it, jerk off. (Stassi has some competition in the solo footage, it seems.)
After Jax complimented Tom’s music and acting, the bro-centric theme took a turn back toward — you guessed it! — Stassi and her drama with Katie. Both expressed how happy they were to be friends again.
The next rekindled relationship to get tackled was Kristen and James'. She started with, “He treated me horribly, but at the end of the day, I saw so much of my old self in him …” but no one was interested in that. They just wanted to know why she’d slept with James while she had a boyfriend. James, of course, kept it vulgar, pointing out that they’d had sex on his car.
“Is that true?” whispered Stassi.
“It was in the car,” whispered Kristen in return.
Another Disgraced Kennedy
After Lala apologized — again — to Kristen for pushing her at Schwartz and Katie’s engagement afterparty and Kristen accepted — again — it was time to talk about James, who was baked out of his mind that night.
Jax and James' mutual hatred was on full display that night — and in this reunion, too! Jax defended his anger about the way James treats women and acts immaturely. James countered that Jax was just jealous, prompting the Sur bartender to threaten that the day he knocked James out was inevitable.
“You’re not the white Kanye West,” Jax laughed. Everyone else piled on James, calling him “a joke” that no one takes seriously.
James and Jax joked about starting season 5 in a boxing ring, but were they really kidding? James and Lala casually admitted to having sex once, and that definitely wasn’t a joke.
Farewell Until Next Season!
Lisa hinted that her hopes for season 5 had less to do with a boxing match than they did with Sandoval and Adriana getting engaged. Stassi was given the chance to end her night with a “shag, marry or kill” question from Andy. She chose to kill James “slowly,” marry Jax and shag Sandoval.
Schwartz thanked everyone for coming to his engagement party, James got in trouble for texting and Andy closed the show by bringing out Pumptinis for everyone.
Jax summed up the show, the reunion and the friendships like this: “I like it when we’re like this,” he said. “I know it’s toxic, and I know it’s crazy, but we have a good time.”
Tell Us: Whose side are you on in Stassi and Lisa's battle?
Vanderpump Rules airs on Bravo on Mondays at 9 p.m. ET.
