Nothing is sacred in James Breakwell’s house. The father of four daughters— ages 5, 3, 22 months, and 5 months — has been tweeting his hilarious interactions with the girls for the last four years. “My wife Lola is grudgingly tolerant of my Twitter activities,” the Indiana-based web-comic (AKA @XplodingUnicorn) tells Us Weekly. “She’s never asked me to take a tweet down, and she doesn’t get offended by them. It helps that she never reads them. She was aware I was a terrible person when she married me, so my tweets just confirm what she already knows.”
The 30-year-old dad admits he thrives on the attention. “Dealing with a horrific diaper blowout isn’t so bad if I can turn it into a tweet that makes strangers on the Internet validate my existence,” he jokes. “Yes, I have a problem.”
Breakwell isn’t done having kids — “we have two more seats in the minivan,” he says — and the blogger would gladly welcome another girl. “If we had a boy, it would just give my wife an excuse to buy an entire wardrobe in the opposite gender,” he cracks. “Besides, I got my girls to like Star Wars and Xbox, so I don’t know that raising a boy would be that much different. I’m equally capable of ruining a child from another gender.”
Check out his funniest Tweets below.
5-year-old: What’s puberty?
Me: It’s when your body goes through changes.
5: Is that when I’ll get my ice powers?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2016
5-year-old: You don’t have many friends to play with.
Me: I guess not.
5: I told my teacher you always play with yourself.
Thanks, kid.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2016
[3-year-old rides her bike]
Me: I taught her everything she needs to know
Wife: Braking?
Me: I taught her half of what she needs to know.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Me: We’ve taken 1,000 pics. We’re never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016
Me: *rubs my nose on the baby’s head*
Wife: Aw, you’re nuzzling her.
Me: Yes. I definitely didn’t just have a nose itch.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Toddler: *spills an entire bowl of popcorn and then eats it off the floor*
5-year-old: Stop it!
Me: Let her go. I don’t want to vacuum.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Me: Time for breakfast.
5-year-old: Wow, Dad, you didn’t burn it as much as usual.
Her current passive aggressiveness level is wife.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They’re going to fall out.
5-year-old: That’s the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
Me: You can’t like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I’m never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
I took the day off work to hang out with my 5-year-old.
She just told me “I need some alone time” and turned on Netflix
I’m raising myself
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2016
Me: Who made this mess?
3-year-old: A dinosaur.
Me: I don’t see a dinosaur here.
3-year-old: Not anymore. He went extinct.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2016
