No one was off-limits during Lindsay Lohan's guest-hosting gig on Chelsea Lately Aug. 5 -- including the rehabbed starlet herself. The 27-year-old Canyons star poked fun at a variety of celebrities, including Justin Bieber and Chelsea Handler, and made light of her own recent troubles on the late-night E! talk show.
"Chelsea's not here, and I actually don't know where she is, but I did see someone who looked like her moving into my old room at Cliffside," Lohan joked, referring to the rehab facility she left on July 30. "As you all know, for the last 90 days I've been on a lovely court-ordered vacation in Malibu. But on a real note, it was really great and wonderful. It was. So, I've been through a lot lately, and I've got a lot of people to thank for that, most notably the celebrities who kept the tabloid industry alive in my absence."
"Like Anthony Weiner," she joked, referencing the disgraced New York City politican. "I want to thank Anthony for being a such dick with an unlimited texting plan." Lohan also thanked Kanye West for "acting like a baby and making a baby" with Kim Kardashian. She then jokingly complained, "How come when Kanye acts like an idiot, he gets a gold record, but when I act like an idiot, I get a police record? I still haven't figured that out."
"I want to thank you, Justin Bieber, for peeing where you shouldn't, spitting where you shouldn't and wearing your pants where you shouldn't," Lohan teased. "But most of all, I would like to thank the one person who's captured the worldwide attention of all of the tabloids: the royal baby."
Looking stylish in an all-black ensemble, Lohan then smiled and told the audience, "I'm back, I'm happy, I'm healthy, and sorry paparazzi, but if you want to take pictures of someone who's really f-cked up, you're just gonna have to wait until Chelsea's back."
During the show's round table segment, the Scary Movie 5 star also poked fun at Twilight's Kristen Stewart, 23, and One Direction's Harry Styles, 18. Speaking about a recent incident in which Stewart yelled at a photographer, Lohan laughed, "I'm just excited that Kristen Stewart, you know, finally showed some emotion."
Realizing her joke could be taken out of context, Lohan told the audience, "No, I really do love her. She's awesome. I'm a Kristen Stewart fan." Even so, that didn't stop the actress from bringing up Stewart's July 2012 fling with director Rupert Sanders. "Of course she hates photographers -- they got a picture of her kissing a married man in a Mini Cooper," Lohan said.
The round table also discussed Styles' recent British GQ cover story, in which the boy band singer was asked to address rumors of bisexuality and other invasive personal questions. "When asked how many people he's slept with, he said, 'Yes, lower than 50. You're cornering me, I've only ever had sex with two people,'" Lohan said, reading an excerpt from the magazine article. She then joked, "He's obviously not counting oral. Sorry, Harry!"