Freaked-Out Dad Writes Funny Facebook Post About Watching Wife Give Birth

Sarah and Brad with children Finn and Knox.
Sarah and Brad with children Finn and Knox. Courtesy of Brad Kearns

Brad Kearns describes himself as “pretty cool under pressure,” which is why the Australian blogger thought he was ready to face the delivery room when his wife, Sarah, gave birth to their first child, son Knox, back in 2013. He was wrong. 

When Kearns got the call that Sarah’s water had broken, he immediately panicked. “The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy f —k, a tiny human was out about to come out of my wife,” the 27-year-old wrote in a lengthy Facebook post looking back on the experience, published on Monday, October 31. “Now as a man, I obviously couldn’t feel the pain. But let me tell you, when those contractions were hitting, I had a pretty good idea what was going on. The louder she got, the higher my heart rate spiked.”

After barreling down the highway at nearly 100 mph, Kearns and Sarah arrived at the hospital, where he proceeded to sprint to the maternity ward. “This woman strolls over and opens the door for us. I’ve just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200m whilst pushing a wheelchair and this old lady casually opens the door like it’s a book club meeting and I’m 20 minutes early,” the gym manager wrote.

Knox and Finn
Knox and Finn Brad Kearns

Kearns went on to explain that they did prebirthing classes, but they did little to prepare him. “When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice, and it’s too late to administer…You’re f- – cked,” he wrote. “Why did we watch that stupid 1980’s video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo. We should have been watching the f- -cking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.”

Brad, Finn, Knox, and Sarah
Brad, Finn, Knox, and Sarah Brad Kearns

Three years later, the dad of Knox and his little brother, Finn, 6 months, is an ace in the delivery room. “If you know any men out there who are pretending not to be nervous, tell them they should be very f—cking nervous,” Kearns joked in the post. “Or send them my way. I’m a pro now.”

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