When first-time mom Kobie Hughes was pregnant, she was admittedly naive about motherhood. “I imagined myself down the beach with my son wearing a gorgeous swimsuit whilst he laughed and splashed in the water, diaper- and clothes-free,” the Perth, Australia-based 32-year-old tells Us Weekly.

It was during that time that Hughes felt compelled to purchase a “100-plus-year-old” bassinet, which she is now selling on the classifieds site Gumtree.com.

Hughes’ biggest issue: Her infant hates it. The cradle “was designed in a time when babies were men, and those man-babies didn’t need no comfy, flat, safe cradles to sleep in,” the mama of 6-month-old Jack wrote in the hilarious advertisement that she posted on July 24.

“We really need to sell this lovely bassinet that I bought in a whimsical moment in early pregnancy when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, otherworldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white wicker cradle,” Hughes wrote.

“After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent; discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/poo/vomit/washing between their fat rolls and finding that I was too busy feeding/trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother I now need to sell so I can afford a haircut (easier than washing it at the moment,” she continued.

In the post, the environmental scientist explained that midwives hate the cradle. “The old-fashioned design of the bassinet is such that, upon seeing it, a Community Nurse will let out a quell of dismay, whose pitch and captured horror will lead you to frantically claw at your undies drawer and wonder if you forgot to tuck any ‘toys’ away that had somehow migrated into the cradle and were currently being used as a pacifier by your sweet child.”

Not surprisingly, Hughes hasn’t had any offers. “Much to my husband’s disgust,” she tells Us, “it’s currently still sitting next to our changing table, where he manages to stub his toe on it at least daily.” 

As for her fantasies about days at the shore with baby Jack? “The reality was that with all my post-pregnancy saggy and baggy bits, I dressed more like an Eskimo,” Hughes jokes. “And let’s just say my pre-baby self had no idea about how many crevices there are on a baby to have to dig sand out afterwards.”

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