Who needs the statue when there's this much swag! While the winners will take home the coveted gold statues at the Oscars come Sunday, Feb. 22, the losers across major categories will at least have their $125,000 "Everyone Wins at the Oscars" gift bags.
Marketing firm Distinctive Assets is handing out loaded (emphasis on legit!) gift bags to the losing nominees in the Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Director categories. 2015 Oscar nominees in these categories include Reese Witherspoon, Meryl Streep, Emma Stone, Julianne Moore, Bradley Cooper, Steve Carell, and newlywed Benedict Cumberbatch.
Us Weekly takes a sneak peek inside each parcel valued for the first year ever in the six-figure range — and highlights the most outrageous and expensive products.
Sex Enhancement Procedures, Plus a Vibrator! $5,250
Sex lives of the stars! Celebs will have the choice between the O-Shot (Orgasm Shot), LEO or Priapus Shot procedures in this wild package offering. The shots (valued at $5,000) are said to enhance sexual response and will be provided directly by its inventor Charles Runels, MD, who also created the Vampire Facelift.
The losers can also test out the Afterglow Pulsewave Vibrator ($250), which boasts of "patented medical technology" developed directly by the experts, or shall we say (ahem) sexperts themselves.
A Glamping Adventure, $12,500
Oh, the great outdoors! Stars will take home the "ultimate glamping adventure" with this luxury camping, hiking, and cycling package from TerraVelo Tours offered in one of America's "most breathtaking natural landscapes." The package includes options like hot air balloon rides, gourmet dining, surfing, horseback riding, and cheese-making classes. In case food is an issue while glamping, stars will have private chefs prepare all meals, along with access to "fine Napa Valley wines."
A Year's Worth of Audi Rentals, $20,000
Speeding in style! The losing nominees will each get to drive away — at least for one year — with Audis. Silvercar is offering up a year's worth of rentals from its artillery of "all-Audi" vehicles. The company boasts that its airport locations offer "no lines" and "no hassles," while each car includes a "free in-dash GPS, Sirius radio, and Wi-Fi every time."
Custom-Designed Furniture, $25,000
A dream bookcase that conceals a hidden backroom? That's possible for the losing nominees thanks to this gift inclusion from EF+Facto. Architect Elena Foccoli offered to custom-design and craft an "exclusive and unique piece of furniture" for each star, with a cool price tag of $25,000.
Mind Control and More, $20,000
X-Men, beware! Each star gets a gift certificate (worth a whopping $20,000) to have Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor fly out and meet with them to discuss their 2015 horoscopes, as well as their dreams. Most of all, Kantor will teach the stars "mind control techniques" — and maybe their odds of winning in 2016 will be that much greater.
A Train Trek through the Rocky Mountains, $14,600
All aboard! Like last year, recipients will have the opportunity to take a luxury trip on the Rocky Mountaineer, an award-winning train that journeys through the Canadian Rockies. Stars will travel past "tumbling waterfalls, lush old growth forests and shimmering lakes" as they enjoy the world-class service offered by the Gold Leaf train.
The Complete Lifestyle Makeover, $14,200
The nominees are offered the option of a wellness package that includes a total body, mind, and soul reboot. The wellness package includes: a hair mineral analysis ($1,590), a VIP day which includes customized info ($3,500), organic home cooking event with a master chef ($1000), and more.
Custom Dessert/Candy Buffet, Plus More Goodies $1,295
Sweets for the stars! Losing nominees can eat their hearts out with a custom candy and dessert buffet ($800), and if that's not enough, more treats are included in their swag bags. Celebs will also nosh on Posh Pretzels ($50), Rouge Maple products ($280), XO mints ($10), gluten-free cookies from Esther Easter's Treats ($45), herbal tea lollipops from Dosha Pops ($70), and Hydroxycut ($45).
Sea Salts, Plus a VIP Tour $1,550
These aren't just any salts! La Baleine is offering its natural French Mediterranean salts from its "pure and natural" source in the South of France. Recipients will also get a VIP tour of the private preserve where the salts are made. The group (of up to 10 people) will also enjoy a private lunch prepared by a top chef atop the salt marsh, and will have the chance to sunbathe on La Baleine's private beach.
Light Therapy for Fat $4,100
In case stars are in desperate need of losing fat, the swag bag also includes a "non-invasive L.E.D. light technology" procedure from Ventura that claims to help stars lose 3-9 inches around their waists in as little as 3 weeks.
Tell Us: Would you rather lose or win in this case?