Secret's out! Howard Stern was careful not to spill the beans about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's hush-hush wedding before the fact — but now that everyone knows they're married, he's not holding anything back. During his SiriusXM radio show on Monday, Aug. 10, the shock jock dished all the details on the couple's super-stealth Aug. 5 nuptials, including his speech, the star-studded guest list, and the measures Aniston, 46, and Theroux, 44, took to keep their vows under wraps.
Stern, 61, told co-host Robin Quivers that he was one of the few people who were clued in ahead of time that the "birthday party" for Theroux, held at the couple's $21 million Bel Air home, was actually a wedding. But he kept the info on lockdown, even from his mom.
"I was so nervous [to talk about it]. They're so secretive, those two," he explained to Quivers. The only reason he knew, he said, was because he'd been asked to make a speech.
"Evidently I'm in demand," he quipped. "I'm very friendly with Justin. I like him very much. I like him, I really admire him. I even said in my speech to them that if one of my daughters brought home a guy like Justin, I'd be very pleased. Except for the s--tty tattoos. Cause he's got some f--king weird ones. And except for the fact that I gave him a journal to draw in and he draws pictures of dead zombie babies with blood dripping out their head on every almost page. I said, those two things might disturb me. But aside from that..."
Stern said he was "miserable" at the thought of having to speak at the couple's reception, but he had his fellow guests in stitches — in part because he spent the first 10 minutes or so complaining.
"They had these little tiny chairs. There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs," he told Quivers. "I'm 6-foot-f--king-5! I'm a grown man!"
He also whined about the fact that everyone's cell phones were taken away upon arrival. "Why can't I have my cell phone? I don't want to take a picture of you two! I really don't. I want my cell phone so after I make this speech I can call my car and get the f--k outta here!" he joked. "People were laughing at my misery."
Stern said the only person who was allowed to have a camera was Terry Richardson. "The irony is, I've been on vacation with those two, and they take pictures every f--king minute! They're constantly shooting pictures. But if I take a picture, I'm committing a sin!" he cracked. "This whole...It was always called a birthday party. Whenever you got an email, it was a birthday party. They're so secretive that they even had the wedding on a Wednesday because nobody gets married on a Wednesday...Everything is always top secret. You go with these two, there's photographers every minute. I'm sitting by a pool in Mexico and around where I sit is a sheet so photographers can't get a picture. So I've never actually seen Mexico. The view I have is a sheet every year...When you go on vacation with people and aren't allowed to leave the house, you really get to know people."
Stern has indeed grown to know and love the newly minted husband and wife — and he made sure to say that in his speech. "I talked about some personal stuff, too. I complimented Justin's mother on raising such a wonderful son," he said. "I love him. I told Jennifer that she deserved a guy like this, because after all, she's been very sweet and generous with us. But Justin and his body. His abs, his ass. Look at him. I'm giddy over him! Although Orlando Bloom blows him away."
Bloom, in fact, was seated near Stern at the wedding, along with Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. "So this really handsome guy is sitting next to me at the table. This f--king guy. He's like better-looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise all rolled into one," the veteran DJ told Quivers. "So I'm sitting and talking to this guy — interesting dude. We're hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, 'What is your name?' He says, 'Orlando.'"
Stern had obviously heard of Bloom before, but he wasn't familiar with the actor's many movies. "He's a nice guy. He's so handsome," the self-proclaimed "King of All Media" dished of the Pirates of the Caribbean star, 38. "I said to him at one point, 'This must be tough for you to be at this wedding. You haven't gotten laid or gotten a blow job in a half an hour. You must be used to getting f--ked every 15 minutes.' He said, 'You know, you're right.' So I said to Whitney Cummings, 'Would you take Orlando somewhere and blow him?' And she said 'Okay!' And she lifted up her dress. It was very funny."
As expected, the bride and groom — who got engaged three years ago in 2012 — were feted by several other A-list pals, including Courteney Cox, Chelsea Handler, Tobey Maguire, and Jimmy Kimmel, who officiated the ceremony.
"Jimmy was the preacher," Stern shared. "He did a beautiful job. I didn't think he'd get through it. Jimmy's still depressed about that lion getting killed over in Africa...Ellen was mad that I made fun of Jimmy for crying."
The Private Parts star also spilled on Theroux and Aniston's first dance to a Sia song. "It was very romantic," the radio guru recalled. "So I run to Orlando and say, 'Orlando, first dance!' So Orlando grabbed me so tight, I thought my bones were going to break."
Stern said he was wiped out afterward, but it turned out to be a nice evening. "We had a fun time," he said. "Great time. Spoke with all these nice people."
Sign up now for the Us Weekly newsletter to get breaking celebrity news, hot pics, and more delivered straight to your inbox!