Meghan and Kevin Oeser are parents of six children — which is why the Oak Forest, Illinois–based mother was a little reluctant to take off for a girls’ getaway, leaving her husband at home for the first time with all the kids. Her brilliant solution: hilarious (and expletive-laced) instructions.
The letter to Kevin — which Meghan posted to her Facebook page on August 12 — has received more than 151,000 likes and has been shared more than 103,000 times.
“I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear,” Meghan began. “I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone … with the others. Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure HELL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.”
Next, the mom of Jack, 15, Ella, 12, Hailey, 9, Harper, 7, Quinn, 5, and Penny, 3, explained what Kevin should expect upon returning home from work. “The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived … I promise,” Meghan wrote. “School season or not … this is also known as hell hour.”
And dinner is even worse. “Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hotdogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hotdog, and will insist on Mac n cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast,” the 36-year-old explained. “You’ll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast.”
And after all that, Meghan said, “Everyone will eat cereal for dinner.”
She also prepared Kevin for bedtime. “Pajamas. F–K pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep f–king looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her f–king arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as s–t, but so what…so is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.”
Meghan continued: “Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait. As they lie in their beds, they’ll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God damned fire, and they’ll act as if they’ve just walked 800 f–king miles through the Sahara. They will come down…one by one…every god damned 5 minutes…for water. Don’t let ANYONE use Quinn’s pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy s–t.”
The photographer wrapped things up with one final warning. “Oh, also … just in case you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend…good f–king luck. Quinn cries basically every 5 minutes, and you would think that Penny’s esophagus was on certain fire every 4.5 seconds. She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes she can go by herself, and sometimes she’s completely useless and will whine about everything. Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny,” Meghan wrote. “Have backup underwears.”
So how did Kevin do? Despite getting just four hours of sleep in 48 hours, “He did fine!” Meghan tells Us Weekly. “He didn’t even call. Usually if I go out anywhere … to the supermarket or Target, he’s calling me every 5 minutes. This is the first time he didn’t bug me at all.”
And Meghan was impressed with her husband’s creativity. “When I came home there blankets and pillows all over the living room floor,” she tells Us. “Instead of getting them to bed, he was just like, ‘Let’s just all sleep on the living room floor!”
