Fred M. Caruso, the producer of the Off-Broadway hit Newsical, died in an apparent suicide on Monday, June 13, after posting a chilling goodbye letter on Facebook.
Caruso — who passed away at the age of 41 — scheduled the note to go live on the Facebook page for the 2009 movie The Big Gay Musical, which he co-wrote and co-directed.
The lengthy post detailed Caruso’s troubled state of mind. “For most of my life I have been absolutely miserable — except for when I was creating. I have nothing left in me to create,” he wrote. “I don’t think I have any idea what love or happiness is. I have been incredibly lonely and at the same time — I hate being around people.”
Caruso, who lived in Las Vegas, went on to reveal that he first tried to take his life earlier in the week by taking 30 Ambien.
“I have achieved more in my life than I ever should have been able to. I grew up on government cheese, food stamps, and public housing,” he wrote. “I have produced great theatre, movies (two of which I wrote and directed) and I traveled all over the world. I regret nothing especially the choice that I am making now.”
He concluded, “I have spent the last few days driving all over trying to find a different solution — I couldn’t.”
Caruso’s friend Rick Crom confirmed news on Tuesday and described the talent as “tortured soul.”
In lieu of a memorial, Caruso asked friend and family to donate to the Trevor Project, which provides suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ youth.
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