On March 1 — nearly two months after his alleged domestic dispute with Oksana Grigorieva — Mel Gibson shot an email to his then-girlfriend, 40, referring to himself as a "f—— failure."
In the email (obtained by TMZ), he writes: "I really am losing my grip. I desperately need a solution. Sorry it has to affect you. I can't stand anything any more … I'm stuck." Writing from his iPhone, the actor, 54, continues, "I try to be ok but it overpowers me & i'm (sic) something I don't want to be. It's a primal scream thing. The pain is too great & everywhere I turn is making it heavier. Oh to have peace! Oh to have joy. Oh to be able to provide it for another. I'm a f—— failure."
Grigorieva — who has claimed she feared for her life during this period — replies by telling him he shouldn't be so hard on himself. "U dint do anything to be so hard on urself," she says to the actor, who has battled alcoholism. "U r amazing man and always will be in my eyes and I will make sure Lucy knows it." (Lucia is their baby daughter, nearly 1.)
Referring to his 2004 film The Passion of the Christ and the Malibu chapel he built in 2003, she adds, "U r capable to make a masterpiece about jesus and to build the church for him! U r just one person, but u did this! In itself it's a lifetime wearthy atchivements, but for only chosen one."
She closes the email by telling him she loves him.
On March 7, Gibson, known to get into explosive verbal arguments with Grigorieva, writes her again. "I felt a high degree of agitation in you when u left tonight," he tells her. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a process of being torn down so I can rebuild … "I love you … I was terrified of where we were going & my outbursts & the potential for damage."
TMZ also reports that he wrote the morning after their Jan. 6 fight — during which she alleges he struck her twice in the face. He asked her, "How's your tooth?" An hour later he added, "I want to tell you how uspeakably (sic) sorry I am." He could have been apologizing for simply arguing with her; sources tell UsMagazine.com Gibson and Grigorieva got into a fight that night, but he never punched her.
Gibson's domestic violence case was handed over to the Los Angeles District Attorney in August to decide charges; it could take months.
Sign up now for the Us Weekly newsletter to get breaking celebrity news, hot pics and more delivered straight to your inbox!