Dreaming of a Mexican vacation? Come on down to Bachelor in Paradise, where the weather’s warm, and everyone’s sobbing hysterically. So much happened during the Tuesday, August 23, episode that we hardly know where to begin, but let’s start with Vinny Ventiera‘s broken heart (it will not go on), Ashley Iaconetti‘s sabotage and Jared Haibon‘s erection struggles.
Vinny and Izzy: Inside the Horrific Demise of America’s Favorite Couple
Yesterday, Izzy Goodkind shocked the nation by breaking up with Vinny for Brett Melnick — a man who doesn’t even own shorts. And guys? Vinny is not OK. He was basically a broken shell of his former self during Tuesday’s one-hour episode, and ended up confronting Izzy about leaving him after three entire weeks of dating.
“You’re willing to throw it all away on a guy that walked in, based on physical attraction?” a crying Vinny told a sobbing Izzy. “The way that you handled yourself yesterday just showed me who you are.”
Izzy tried to comfort Vinny, but he chose to “remove himself” from Paradise, leaving his ex to awkwardly sit next to Brett for the remainder of this episode. Bye, Vinny! Better luck next time! Just kidding; you clearly can’t handle the grueling, cutthroat nature of this show. It’s probably best that you don’t return.
Jade and Tanner Play God, Ruin Ashley’s Life
Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert, the couple who actually managed to find love and get married in Paradise, returned to rub their infectiously cute relationship in everyone’s faces — and hark! They brought a date card with them. After interviewing all the couples in Paradise, #Janner ended up giving their date to Jared and Caila Quinn — despite Ashley trying to sabotage them.
“Like, what the hell! This is the worst scenario,” Ashley complained to cameras. “I hope that this date makes Jared realize that Caila sucks.”
Tragically, Ashley’s wish didn’t come true because Jared and Caila spent the entire time making out in their underwear — which caused some … ahem … physical complications for Jared.
Jared: “It sucked because she looked good, and we’re in this river, and I’m in my boxers, and we’re making out. Ugh, you can imagine, especially since it’s skin-on-skin, like that, and her legs around me.”
Josh Murray: “So what you’re saying is that you had a massive erection.”
Jared: “Yeah, but the water was cold too, which f‑‑king sucked. I had a baby erection. You’re in the moment, and you’re just, f‑‑k.”
So, what we’re getting from this is that Jared’s into Caila, which means a Fantasy Suite date could be in their future. Ashley’s thoughts? “I think I might die. I would. I would die.… He’s going to do stuff in the fantasy suite, and that is going to literally murder me.”
Don’t Panic, But Lace and Grant Might Break Up
Things aren’t looking for for Lace Morris and Grant Kemp, and shockingly, it might have something to do with the fact that Grant said “I love you” after, what? Three weeks?
“I think Grant is amazing, but I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ to him,” Lace told cameras after a highly awkward conversation between herself, Grant and #Janner. “It’s not in me.”
Grant tried to make Lace feel better by declaring his feels some more, but she shut him down pretty quickly, and they parted ways after a deeply tense conversation by the pool. “It makes me start questioning our relationship, and I almost feel like I’m starting to force it at this point,” Lace explained to cameras.
Dear God, is no one safe from the breakup overlords?! Probably not, because for the few of you who care deeply about Nick Viall‘s relationship status, he and his girlfriend of three days are all kinds of tense due to Nick’s walls being up. But can we blame him? As he mused, “If I jump in again, I become a Trivial Pursuit question. I don’t wanna be a joke.”
Evan and Carly Are Sweat-Hut Goals
Carly Waddell and Evan Bass went into this episode with Carly telling her man that he doesn’t “come across as a very sexual person at all.” So, yeah, not exactly a ton of chemistry. However, Chris Harrison arranged for these two to go on a date in a very sweaty hut, where they took turns complimenting each other, and poured water on their sweaty bodies. Apparently it did the trick because now they’re all about making out.
“It’s incredible to be sitting in front of a guy looking probably your worst, and having him just look at you like you radiate,” Carly said in one of the sweetest Paradise moments thus far.
Ashley Sets Out to Destroy Caila and Jared, Takes No Prisoners
In case you hadn’t noticed, Ashley has bad blood with Caila, and this week she was determined to take her down. It all started when Ashley said this not-at-all-crazy sentence to cameras: “You may be making out with him, but I can make out with his mind. I know how to stimulate him correctly.”
After that glorious musing, Ashley proceeded to take down Caila, telling Jared that it’s obvious she doesn’t have real feelings for him. “I think she just likes the thought of having something televised that’s a happily ever after,” Ashley cooed at the object of her desire. “She is a robot, Jared.”
Jared ended up confronting Caila and accidentally threw Ashley under the bus by saying she warned him to be careful. “She is in love with you,” Caila told her man. “I think it’s coming not from a friendship place. We’re never gonna get to know each other if that’s what we’re focusing on.”
Naturally, Caila decided to chat with Ashley, who was decidedly not up for a bonding session. Long story short, she told Caila that Jared would never trust her, and was basically all “talk to the hand.” Oh, and when Caila dared to use the word “we,” Ash told cameras, “I wanna scratch her eyes out.”
Everything is normal! Everything is fine! See you next week!
Tell Us: Will Jared peace out of Paradise? And does Ashley need to let him go already?
Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET.
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