Survivor: Coach Gets Slayed

 CBS/Robert Voets/Landov

I'm sorry, sob. Finding it very difficult to write the recap of April 8's Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains because I'm still mourning Boston Rob's ouster last week. Perhaps sorting out my feelings via Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief will help me get through it:

Denial: Look, there's the Villains tribe. Evil Russell is bragging about being the best Survivor player in the history of the human race. Pretty soon he will take credit for the passage of Obama's health care bill. His minions Danielle and Parvati are congratulating themselves on being pretty; Jerri is whining; Coach is second-guessing himself; Courtney and Sandra are sulking in their shelter. They need Rob. For sure. Hey, the reward challenge is coming up! Maybe Rob will suddenly appear behind the trees and Probst will say, "Wanna know what you're playing for? The opportunity to have Rob on your tribe!" It could happen.

Anger: Wait a second. The tribes are playing for cold pizza. Rob is really gone. Nooo!!!! Now the Villains lose a bowling challenge that my 2-year-old nephew could have rocked. As if this weren't infuriating enough, the misguided Heroes are under the impression that there is an all-girls alliance going on with their rivals. Which only gives the tribe's mastermind, Evil Russell, more chest-thumping ammunition.

Bargaining: I promise that I will not write any more rambling, 800-word Lost recaps if Rob returns. Also, I will not make fun of Courtney's physical shortcomings and Danielle's physical, um, big-goings if Rob returns. Fine, I'll even keep an open mind about Amanda and Candice — even though I'm still miffed they were picked to participate in the season — if Rob returns.

Depression: Yeesh, the Villains tribe is just pathetic. The mud-drenching immunity challenge is visually and wonderfully repulsive, but it's not even close. Where are the intense grudge-matches of yore? The formerly pathetic Heroes tribe is dominating. Now Sandra is convincing Evil Russell to get rid of Coach over weak-link Courtney just to get even with him for voting off Rob. I understand her rationale; but Coach (i.e., He Who Refers To Himself As The Dragon Slayer) has provided more entertaining sound bites this season than Danielle, Parvati, Candice, Rupert and Courtney combined. It's true. Wikipedia it. Meanwhile, none of these people are even considering a vote for manipulative Evil Russell. Clearly the Samoan sun has affected their brain cells. Sad.

Acceptance: And so it goes. Coach gets snuffed in a 4-3 vote. Now Russell is the only male left in his tribe — giving more credence to the Heroes‚ girl-power-alliance theory. The season has lost a bit of its moxie, but this could still get interesting. After all, there's still a chance that the girls can blindside Evil Russell. And, judging by the next week's promos, it appears that J.T. may be on the receiving end of the dumbest move in Survivor history (something about him offering his hidden immunity idol to Evil Russell if the tribes merge). Serves J.T. right. I've never forgiven him for turning against Tom.

Tom!!!! Now don't even get me started on that vote…

By Mara Reinstein for

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