For Better or For Worse …
Here comes the bride — and the waterworks. The crew was emotional as Katie took her walk down the aisle as “Katie Maloney” for the final time. Luckily, Lisa Vanderpump stepped in and kept the mood from getting too sappy. The officiant couldn’t resist adding a clever “Tequila Katie” reference in her opening words. “Never text with tequila,” Lisa smirked before all eyes turned to the bride and groom for their vows.
Schwartz dramatically ripped up the vows he spent hours writing before the wedding, instead opting to let his heart do the talking. “I had been told that romance in L.A. was fleeting and often short-lived, often lasting only one night — according to my roommate Jax Taylor,” Schwartz said. (Was this a wedding or a roast?)
But jokes aside, the Bubbas’ vows were incredibly heartfelt. “I’m not crying,” Jax said as clips of his tear-soaked face flashed across the screen. “[Tom] Sandoval’s the crier. Not me.”
Katie and Schwartz agreed to take each other “for richer or richer,” as Lisa phrased it, and the pair finally said the two words everyone had waited so long to hear: “I do.”
“It’s with a full heart and much pride and love that I now pronounce you husband and wife,” Lisa said with a smile as the wedding party erupted. “It is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz.”
Officially deemed “husband and wife,” Schwartz and Katie were ready to party with their loved ones. “People used to think that Jax and I were the glue that held this group together,” Stassi Schroeder remarked, taking in the romantic atmosphere. “But really, Katie and Schwartz hold this group together. Jax and I were just the glue that everybody sniffed.”
The celebration was off to a great start. Everyone on the Sur team could feel the love in the air — well, everyone except Jax. He pulled Brittany Cartwright aside to give her some bad news: “Listen, I don’t think things are going well for us anymore,” Jax admitted, dropping a bomb on his girlfriend. Brittany started to tear up — but then Jax told her that he was kidding. Marriage was definitely in their future.
Tom Sandoval and Kristen Doute also had marriage on the brain; however, Sandoval was afraid to bring up the big m-word to Ariana Madix, who made it clear that she didn’t want to tie the knot.
But unlike Sandoval, Kristen wasn’t shy about telling her boyfriend, Brian Carter, about her wedding fever. She spent the reception picturing the type of ceremony she wanted; meanwhile, all Lisa wanted was her meal. “Can you get Stassi to get my dinner for me?” Lisa joked. “There are a lot of waitresses around. One of them can get me dinner.”
After being served by Stassi, Lisa attempted to raise Sandoval’s spirits by asking him if he’d like to be her partner in her new restaurant venture. She envisioned opening a new bar called “Tom Tom,” inspired by the infamous Sandoval-Schwartz duo. Sandoval was ecstatic to be the face of Lisa’s new restaurant. Schwartz, on the other hand, was already overwhelmed by his recent commitment to marriage to even think about Tom Tom.
Tom Tom may or may not happen in the near future, but one thing’s for sure: Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz are here to stay.
Scheana’s Dark Secret
To wrap up season 5, the scene suddenly shifted to three months after the nuptials. A teary-eyed Scheana Shay drove to Lisa’s home, upset and unable to even speak to her boss on the phone. As soon as Scheana arrived, Lisa sat her down and invited her crying employee to confide in her.
“I found out recently about Shay …” Scheana began, tearing up at the thought of her husband, Mike Shay. “He goes MIA for six days, doesn’t answer any of my calls, doesn’t talk to me.” She revealed that Shay had been living with his parents for the past two weeks.
“This is all bulls–t,” Lisa declared. But when Scheana immediately tried to make excuses for her failing marriage, Lisa rephrased her statement.
“Since you got married, it’s been bulls–t,” Lisa stated firmly, looking Scheana in the eye. “Since the day you found out he was addicted to pills, it’s all been bulls–t.” Lisa encouraged Scheana to take a cold, hard look at reality — which prompted Scheana to make a major confession: Shay drained her entire bank account to fund his Adderall addiction.
“I started checking emails, and I noticed ‘overdraft protection,’” Scheana said. “I’m like, ‘Overdraft? There’s $7,000 in that account.’ I open my app, and there’s $32.” Just hearing those words aloud made Scheana realize that she was living a lie. She decided right there that her marriage was over.
When she returned home, Scheana told Shay that she wanted to get divorced. One marriage began, and another one just ended …
Tell Us: Are you surprised that Scheana and Shay’s marriage didn’t work out?
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