The moment you've been waiting for is here: Bachelor in Paradise's season 3 premiere aired on Tuesday, August 2, and yes, Chad Johnson was there. And yes, he got wasted, binge-ate a ton of deli meat and may or may not have pooped his pants.
The episode was a bountiful cornucopia of shirtless bros, confused wildlife and alcohol, but the real star was Chad — who entered a two-hour relationship with Lace Morris before calling her a "f--got," insulting Sarah Herron's arm and passing out on the floor with a crab as his only friend.
Before we get to the recap, please join us in a prayer for Chris Harrison, because we're not sure how much longer he can do this job.
Evan and Chad: Reunited, and It Feels So Bad
Time to check in on Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist — or, as he's known in Mexico, "the penis guy." The good news is that Evan's bought himself a new red shirt. The better news is that he rifled through Chad's suitcase and found a "meat scale." However, the bad news is that Evan tried to confront Chad during the "drunken pants-pooping" segment of this episode, and we literally thought he might die. We were mostly concerned for him because Chad said the following sentence, as though he was doing Evan a favor: "I didn't rip his dick off and shove it in his own mouth."
Lace and Chad: A Two-Hour Love Story
Lace and Chad formed an instant connection, and spent approximately two hours making out in a hot tub because apparently Lace likes the taste of lingering deli meat! Their love connection was brief and weird, and involved a lot of screaming, slapping and flirtatious insults. At one point, Chad yelled out "I brought so much protein." And hey — Lace seemed into it. However, things took a turn for the nope-nope-nope when Chad told Lace, "Don't be a f--king f--got."
She was understandably horrified that he'd use such an offensive slur, and his response was to shove her and say, "F--k off." Things went, shall we say, downhill from there.*
*This is a massive understatement.
Chad Loses His Grip on Reality, Threatens to "Murder Everyone"
Devastated by the loss of Lace, Chad entered a very dark place. By which we mean, he said, "I'll murder everyone here and build them into a f--king bottle." It's hard to understand exactly what was going through The Chad's mind, but Canadian Daniel had one very deep theory: "He's on the moon right now, and he can't come back down. No one's gonna let him come back down from the moon. On the moon, you might as well look for cheese or whatever they have up there." #Profound.
Sarah ended up calling Chad out for his "abusive" behavior, and he responded in the worst possible way, saying, "F--k that one-armed bitch. I don't give a s--t." Oh, and when she threatened to leave the show, he said, "Keep sucking that fame d--k."
Dan tried to calm his buddy down, saying he was acting like a "crazy drunk poet," but nothing could quell Chad's rage, and he ended up passed out next to a pool with a sleepy crab as his only companion. Also, it appeared as though he pooped his pants. Either way, he woke up completely naked.
The Morning After
You'd think Chad would wake up and apologize to everyone, right? Wrong. Instead, he continued to insult Sarah by telling cameras, "The only person who should be offended is Army McArmenson."
The situation was so out of hand that Chris Harrison ended up calling a meeting and kicking Chad off BIP. "We all came here to be in paradise — in a matter of one night, you have turned this into hell," Chris said, not at all dramatically. "I saw what you said to Sarah. I saw what you did to Lace. I saw what you did to the staff. Being belligerent to the staff of this hotel. … You told everyone at this hotel last night to suck a d--k. You had a chance to turn over a new leaf, and you didn't. … I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
Naturally, Chad stormed out of the house, told Chris Harrison, "F--k you, dude," and then took out his rage on some innocent crabs — who had been his bedfellows mere hours before. To quote: "Why are there all these crabs everywhere. F--king crabs!"
Keep asking life's big questions, buddy!
Keeping Up With This Season's Potential Romances
Other than Chad and Lace, several other potential love connections were formed. For one, Lace ended up rebounding with Grant Kemp. But more importantly, Izzy Goodkind and Vinny Ventiera formed a strong bond, and considering how romantic the music that accompanied their makeout scene was, we're thinking they could be this season's couple to watch. "Those are feelings," Vinny mused. "It's a big thing in my book to kiss somebody."
Meanwhile, Jubilee Sharpe asked Jared Haibon out on a date, and they had an invigorating conversation about Lord of the Rings. The sentence "I like the relationship between Samwise and Frodo" was literally uttered, and there was an actual discussion about how Jubes used to be into Legolas, but now she's totally into Aragon. So like, true love?
By the way, everyone should also keep their eye on Nick Viall and Amanda Stanton, because there was definitely some chemistry there. Of course, that's minus the moment Nick was all, "Have you ever made out in a thunderstorm before? Not bad."
Let's Talk About Dan, Shall We?
Guys, Dan. This precious gem of a human is clearly the star of Bachelor in Paradise, if for no other reason than the fact that the show opens with him pouring maple syrup down his body. Also, he delivered some of the best one-liners ever, and we've rounded 'em up:
On his vibe: "I'm like a disease that won't go away, like herpes or something. … It's treatable nowadays."
On dating: "An eagle doesn't settle for a pigeon."
On dating, again: "I'm gonna let the liquor do the driving, and I'm gonna go into booze control."
Amazing, right? And good news: Dan will be around at least another week because the men have control over who goes home in next week's episode. Literally cannot wait.
Tell Us: Did Chad deserve to go home?
Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET.
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