Kristin. Audrina. Heidi. Spencer. Spencer's sister. Lo. Brody. Brody's hair. That dude with two first names.
For six seasons, viewers have watched The Hills' gang (plus L.C. and Whitney), snag amazingly glamorous jobs, fall in love to the strains of an emo-pop soundtrack, fight with each other like petty eighth graders --- and, oh yes, become Us Weekly staples.
Alas, in a few months, the onetime reality phenom will joins the likes Newlyweds, Punk'd, TRL and music videos in the MTV programming graveyard.
But no eulogy here. Not when the season premiere (which airs April 27) is still kicking and screaming.
Let's get to it: The episode kicks off with Stephanie Pratt having a heart to heart with Lo about her recent jail stint for a DUI. "I'm only 23, and I've been to jail twice. Like, that's not normal," she astutely notes. They conclude that a Super Bowl weekend getaway to Miami is in order. Of course it is.
Not that Stephanie's sobriety isn't important, but there's a more pressing issue at hand: Seems Heidi had plastic surgery. And in the immortal words of Victoria Beckham, it was maj-ah.
By now, of course, everybody has seen Mrs. Pratt's "after" face and body. Still, producers save the big reveal until she goes to her Colorado home to pow-wow with her mom, Darlene, and older sister Holly.
Look. I'm the first one to roll my eyes at The Hills and gripe about its scripted contrivances. But the horrified look on Darlene's face -- not to mention the hurt look on Holly's -- when Heidi earnestly compares herself to a Barbie doll is reality TV at its most compelling and authentic. The drama is ramped up even more when Darlene cracks a few my-daughter-is-made-of-plastic jokes at Heidi's expense. Heidi cries.
Her new face does not move.
Meanwhile, in Miami, the New Orleans Saints are going to win the Super Bowl! Yes! Drew Brees rules! Too bad nobody cares. Instead, Kristin and Audrina are kind of maybe fighting over Brody. How this dispute was not resolved circa 2007 is beyond me.
There is also a matter of Kristin's late night (er, early morning) club-hopping. Apparently, we're talking old-school Britney here. The girls confront her Kristin about the partying and touch on a possible drug issue (their proof: she wears sunglasses indoors and her legs look like toothpicks), but she is not having it. The fact that she yells back in a raspy voice that resembles an 65-year-old woman enjoying herself in an Atlantic City casino does not help her cause.
What happens next? As the song goes, the rest is unwritten. Well, we can only hope, anyway.
-- By Mara Reinstein for UsMagazine.com