We now interrupt this extended commercial for Outback Steakhouse to bring you the following recap of the April 15 episode of Heroes Vs. Villains:
JT is an idiot. The end.
OK, fine. Let's take it from the top. The reward challenge, to be exact. The Heroes learn that the Villains have booted Coach, leaving Evil Russell as the only male left on the tribe. The new make-up gives further credence to the Heroes‚ theory: The girls are running the show. (Their Sherlock-like deduction: the ladies, led by Parvati, made an all-powerful alliance in Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites three years ago.)
The Villains win the reward challenge and have their steak. Did you hear? Outback steaks are amazing -- and, apparently, the chain can make deliveries all the way in Samoa. Sandra's army husband loves Outback too. This place rules!
Meanwhile, back at the Heroes tribe, JT has a fool-proof plan: If his tribe wins the immunity challenge, he'll do a secret hand-off of the hidden immunity idol to Evil Russell in the explicit instructions to vote off queen bee Parvati.
Let's take a moment here and reflect. And guffaw.
Now, I realize that JT has never watched Evil Russell play the game. (Heroes vs. Villains was filmed before Survivor: Samoa premiered in September). That said, the man is on the Villains tribe. Dingdingingding. I don't care that he has XY chromosomes -- clearly he did not earn his place on that team by chasing butterflies, telling homespun tales about the farm and giving away immunity idols as if it's free cone day at Ben & Jerry's.
Speaking of Ben & Jerry's (most delicious segue ever), somewhere at an ice cream parlor in Hell, Michigan, Survivor Fans Vs. Favorites‚ Erik is smiling with the realization that he is no longer the stupidest alum in the history of the game.
It gets worse, people. Actually, it gets better! JT crafts a note to Evil Russell. In penmanship that would make my grandma weep with pride, the Tocantins winner concludes that because the two have exchanged a few meaningful glances, he can tell that they have a bond. And with that bond comes trust. And with that trust comes the idol. And with that idol comes the specific instructions to vote off Parvati. XOXO Besties Forever.
Rupert is down with the strategy. Ditto Colby. Amanda and Candice have secret suspicions, but they don't express it to the group. Very risky, ladies! During the reward challenge, Probst congratulated Amanda on playing the game for 100 days. Why didn't he just say "Amanda, congrats on being a target! Nobody will give you that $1 million!"
Anyhoo, after a set-up like that, it was inevitable that the Heroes would win the immunity challenge so JT could make the pass. Geez, Colby even tipped of Evil Russell during the run while the cameras were rolling! Somewhere in the Florida suburbs, Boston Rob just woke up his nine-month-old daughter by laughing so hard.
Ah, but here's where Evil Russell's ego got the best of him: He showed the letter to Parvati, Danielle and Jerri. Look, I loved Parvati's school-girl interpretation as much as the next person, but it was a dumb move. Fire might equal life in this game, but knowledge equals power. And with Parvati now in control of her own hidden immunity idol and in the loop on the Heroes' insipid game plan, she automatically becomes the new titan of her tribe.
Not that queen bee gets a free pass. As savvy as she is, I'm disappointed that didn't plot to overthrow Russell right then and there. Think about it: She could put a hidden immunity to waste, she'd still have the numbers with Jerri and Danielle (and, to an extent Courtney), and she's still have her very own immunity idol!
Instead, the Villains voted off Courtney. Wah-waaah. The girl with the devilish wit and the body weight of an iPad was shamefully underused this season. Here's hoping she celebrated her exit with a piping hot sirloin from you-know-where.
And here's thinking that with the merge coming up next week, JT will get put out to pasture soon.
--By Mara Reinstein for UsMagazine.com