This week, The Bachelorette picked up in the midst of Ian telling Kaitlyn Bristowe exactly what he thought of her — and that wasn’t much. After calling her shallow and accusing her of coming on TV to make out with a bunch of dudes, he told her he was going to go home.
A stunned Kaitlyn did a pretty impressive job of keeping her cool. “My blood is boiling a little bit right now. I’m super offended by you,” she began before readily admitting, “I am not as deep of a person as you are. It doesn’t mean that I am surface level and that there is not more to me than you know. Do I like humor? Absolutely. Have I seen that in you? No, not really. You haven’t seen my deeper side.” She agreed he should go home, noting, “I’m really disappointed in how you just approached that.”
For his part, Ian’s extremely healthy sense of self-worth wasn’t remotely dinged by her response. “I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that’s what I have to offer,” he mused in a voiceover as he headed for the limo waiting outside (in case you forgot he went to Princeton). “I’m an interesting guy. I’m a smart guy. I’m not a lame like the other guys.” We’ll have to wait and see if his push to turn “lame” into a noun works or not, but in the meantime, he’s got other plans.
“Seeing how badly Kaitlyn has been at The Bachelorette, I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor,” he said to the camera. “I think I’m destined to be the Bachelor and destined to find love on that show.” (Yes, the one he thinks attracts only superficial lames.) “If I was made the Bachelor I think they would come out of the woodwork. They’d be like, ‘I wanna go out with that guy! He’s so deep.'” In case you missed it, his final thought was, “Oh man, I need to have some sex.”
Fortunately, Nick Viall was on hand to pick up the pieces for Kaitlyn after Ian sent himself packing — and by pick up the pieces we mean he took the opportunity to reiterate to Kaitlyn that he tried to protect her from Ian, to bond with her about their mutual love of movie quotes, and to make out with her. Unfortunately, Shawn wandered in just in time to see her lip-locked with Nick and didn’t like that too much.
Everything’s Coming Up Roses
After a quick heart-to-heart with host Chris Harrison, Kaitlyn got down to business passing out those roses. “The truth is, I am falling in love here and it honestly trumps anything that has gone on,” she cooed to her remaining suitors before she began calling off names.
Nabbing those coveted red flowers were Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. This meant that Josh was going home. “I tried. She knows what she wants, and it’s not me she’s interested in,” he said as he exited while the rest of the group learned they would be heading to Dublin, Ireland.
Nick Gets First One-on-One, Guys Hate Him Even More
In case it isn’t clear just yet, Kaitlyn really, really likes Nick. Their date began with a stroll through a park that involved a lot of handholding and canoodling — until Nick discovered her fear of birds. “My heart is pounding out of control right now,” she laughed after they bravely walked through a mean gang of pigeons. “It was nice to be able to comfort her,” Nick mused.
After fine-tuning their Riverdance skills (which need some more fine-tuning), Nick upped his game and bought them matching claddagh rings, which the sales lady conveniently compared to wedding rings. Then they made out some more, went to a bar, and made out some more after that. In other words, they made out a lot. “Not to oversell our chemistry, but it’s kind of electric,” Nick cooed. “She has the best lips.”
Kaitlyn seemed equally into it, calling their chemistry “intense” and admitting she was worried their physical attraction was “too passionate.” They wrapped up their date with a candlelit dinner in a pristine church. Kaitlyn offered Nick a rose and promptly invited him back to her hotel room. Spoiler alert: Nick accepted both.
Kaitlyn and Nick Get Down to Business
While Nick and Kaitlyn cozied up in her room, Shawn had a heart-to-heart with Jared. “I think it’ll take a little bit more time for her to figure out what his true character and whatever it is, whatever intentions he has being here,” Shawn lamented. “There’s nothing we can do though. It f—ing sucks,” Jared echoed.
With cameras pointed squarely at her bedroom door, Kaitlyn got close — really close — to Nick. Though her door remained closed, the sounds of smacking lips, rustling sheets, and heavy breathing left little to the imagination.
But Then Kaitlyn Regrets It … Sort of
Though Nick was clearly pretty pleased with himself, Kaitlyn seemed to be having second thoughts by the time the sun came up. She continued her doubts when reflecting on it later: “Waking up in the morning, I’m definitely feeling guilt. I don’t necessarily feel guilty about the act. It’s more just guilt from caring about other relationships that I have.”
Nick, however, didn’t seem to be having any second thoughts. Referring to their connection as “hot,” he recounted his date to the other guys involved. He downplayed the sex part, but did tell the other guys that she had invited him back to her place, which is pretty much telling everyone what happened. “I am concerned,” Kaitlyn opined while Nick told everyone (again) that he had gone back to her room. “It was intimate,” he said.
Group Date, Dublin-Style
Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H., Chris were slated for the group date, which involved the worst-case scenario. “Kaitlyn is dead,” the host informed the guys before adding that they were celebrating her life with a traditional Irish wake. The date involved Kaitlyn posing (as if she were, in fact, deceased) in a casket. It would have been convincing except she was laughing the whole time.
The suitors were all good sports, giving toasts at her fake wake that involved a lot of bad rhyming, one awkward song, and one reference to her being pecked to death by birds. (Umm …) Ben Z., however, was uniquely touched by the scenario since his mother had died, and he cleared the room so they could have the stage to themselves (in case you forgot: she’s pretending to be dead).
After the “wake” ended they headed to the Guinness storehouse to liven the mood. After praising all the guys for their approaches to the fake funeral, Kaitlyn let Ben Z. pull her aside for some private time. She praised his approach (sending all of the other guys out of the room) and apologized if he felt uncomfortable (which, to be clear, he did). “I’ve never been this open in my entire life,” he told her. “When I do have emotions I don’t show it.”
Meanwhile, still recovering from the blow that Nick had spent some quality time with Kaitlyn, Shawn used his time to show her some family photos. “I have to hear Nick talk about how great his date was with Kaitlyn,” he lamented. “That guard starts going back and I’ve started questioning everything between us.” A smiling Shawn later told the camera he hopes she meets the people in the photos soon. Also, they made out. Ultimately, Kaitlyn gave her date rose to Jared (not Shawn) — and Shawn looked pretty crushed. “I was just like, ‘What is going on?'” he said to the camera in visible frustration. “I’m looking for that validation and I didn’t get it tonight.”
Cranberries and Roses
Remember the Cranberries? Kaitlyn and Jared do — because after she gave him the date rose, she brought him into a beautiful church and heard her “favorite band” (the Cranberries, in case that was unclear) play one of their classic songs. Jared made the most of the moment by dancing with her, singing to her, and (drumroll please) making out with her. “It was just a really beautiful moment,” Kaitlyn mused to the camera.
Sean Freaks Out
Meanwhile, Shawn ruminated over not getting that aforementioned validation. “I’m not going to make it through this thing because I can’t handle it anymore,” he admitted. “It’s bulls— and it’s going to drive me away.” He recounted when she came to his room and they sat on his bed all night and “didn’t even sleep.” He was clearly upset that she’d had other guys back to her room. “I can’t do this anymore,” he said. “I’m about to cry right now.”
He got more and more upset as it went on. “She’s ruining everything we have,” he agonized before showing up at her room.
“What’s going on?” a surprised Kaitlyn asked.
“You tell me,” he replied.
In a tearful account to the camera, Kaitlyn lamented “her mistake.” Then continued, “I shouldn’t have done it.”
We’ll have to wait until next week to find out what Shawn ultimately decides based on Kaitlyn’s actions, but something tells us it won’t be easy for either of them — or any of us.
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