First of all, no animals were harmed in the making of the Monday, July 11, episode of The Bachelorette. That said, the donkey population of Argentina is emotionally traumatized due to several harrowing moments, including but not limited to JoJo Fletcher and Alex making out atop a passed-out horse who just wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy. Aside from that horrifying event, JoJo sent two of her contestants home this week, leaving just four boyfriends left in the race to win her heart during hometown dates. Let's say a collective prayer for Argentina's horse community and dive in, shall we?
Alex and JoJo Have Zero Chemistry, Part Ways
Oh, Alex. This lil' dude tried his best, but — despite spending an entire day bonding with JoJo — he just wasn't built to last. Sure, JoJo and Alex played a romantic (read: painful) game of Thumb War in the car, and yeah, Alex wisely mused, "Is this wheat?" when passing by a field of wheat, but there was just something lacking. And to be honest, not even his brilliant revelation about trees could save him (to quote: "I like those kinda trees. The one that's, like, droopy?"). #Shakespeare
Of course, the worst part of this date was when Alex and JoJo spooned a sleepy horse who was clearly not paid enough to appear in this episode. The pair ended up kissing while lying on their horse friend's neck, which was cute. You know, if you're the kinda person who's into horse-based make-out sessions. Anyone?
Sadly, JoJo just wasn't feeling a connection, and broke up with Alex by saying, "When you tell me that you're falling in love with me, I don't feel as excited as I should feel." Obviously, we reached out to the horse, but he refused to give an on-record statement.
Jordan and JoJo Drink Each Other's Foot Juice
The good news: Jordan's date with JoJo was much steamier than her date with Alex (they totally kissed in a hot tub). The bad news: It was just as traumatizing, due to what can only be described as a foot fetish run wild. For reasons that will never make any sense, Chris Harrison arranged for JoJo and Jordan to squish grapes with their feet — which definitely weren't cleaned beforehand. This could have been cute, had JoJo and Jordan not immediately ingested their foot juice, and uttered the sentence, "I tasted your feet today." Let's just say we will only be drinking beer from now on. Grapes are dead to us.
In slightly less upsetting news, Jordan told JoJo all about his family life, and revealed that he has nothing to do with his famous brother, Aaron Rodgers. "It's the way he's chosen to do life," Jordan said, adding that he doesn't have hard feelings for Aaron. "I chose to stay close to my family and my parents, and my [other] brother." Apparently, Jordan has a lot of unresolved feelings about living in Aaron's shadow, but he found time to profess his love to JoJo. Cute, but #FeetGate.
P.S. Jordan is clearly a front-runner at this point, and the other men were less than thrilled. Not to be dramatic, but he might not be here for ~the right reasons.~
A Group Date Rose Leaves Hearts Broken, Stomachs Unsettled
JoJo's group date with Chase, Robby and James got rained out, so they did what any polyamorous squad would do: chilled in a hotel and played Truth or Dare. The hijinks! Not only did James end up shoving mass amounts of French fries in his mouth to impress JoJo (that is *so* how to get a girl to like you), Robbie stripped off his clothes and mooned his friends.
But hark, here comes drama! In a desperate bid for attention, James attempted to throw Robby under the bus by saying he's been checking out other women. But hey, Robby got the group date rose at the end of the night, so he must be doing something right — especially since he told JoJo that he got out of a relationship just five months ago!
Luke Horse-Whispers His Way to JoJo's Heart
Compared to JoJo's other dates this week, Luke's was a total snooze — but there were some cute moments, and frankly, the fact that they were able to be around horses without using the animals' bodies as a platform for love-making was a relief. Anyway, these two basically spent their day riding ponies and skeet-shooting, and Luke got a chance to tell JoJo that he wants to "open chapters" with her. Cool, sounds good, moving on.
The Rose Ceremony
Thanks to Alex being dismissed after his date with JoJo, she only had to breakup with one boyfriend during the Rose Ceremony, and said boyfriend was James. The poor guy literally wept his way out of JoJo's life, and the saddest part was when he said, "I hear that kinda a lot. Like, 'Oh, you deserve a great girl.' And for some reason, I never get to get one."
Tell Us: Do you think JoJo sent the right men home this week?
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8 p.m. ET.
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