We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in your comfy movie theater seat and watch a trailer for an upcoming film that can only be described as a slice of awful. Instinctively, you whisper-yell to the person sitting next you, “There is no way I’m seeing that!” Well, I did see it. In its entirety, thank you very much. Here are the worst* of the year’s offerings. (* = I skipped Jem and the Holograms and Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Road Chip).
5. Fifty Shades of Grey
Stop your whining, Anastasia Steele. You don’t even know what it is to be in pain. You. Don’t. Even. Know. We were the ones who suffered through a passionless, anticlimactic adaptation of the kinky bestseller. Starring Jamie Dornan as the domineering millionaire Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson as his nubile plaything, the flaccid drama turned out to be a single shade of blah. And to think: We still have two more installments to go. Oh, hell no.
4. Fantastic Four
Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara and Jamie Bell are four of the most exciting young talents in the business. How difficult is it to take this cast and put them in a halfway decent superhero flick? The answer is very. The four of them stumble through an incoherent dud — partially set in outer space — that has the aesthetic of an eighth grade science project. Judging from Mara’s intermittent hideous blonde wig, this film was reshot repeatedly. It should have just been tossed in the garbage.
3. Hot Pursuit
Let’s just say this will not go down as the movie that advanced the Power Women in Film movement. Reese Witherspoon is the uptight cop who escorts Sofia Vergara across the desert to a courthouse to testify against blah blah blah. (The writers were not big on plot). The offensively dumb — and excruciatingly unfunny — comedy is essentially an excuse for Vergara to yell and prance around in high heels and a T-shirt that would be too small for a 4-year-old. Legally Blonde 3: The Pink Awakens can’t get here soon enough.
It’s a mighty tragic day when Cameron Crowe — the genius who gave us Say Anything…, Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous — botches a rom-com set in Hawaii. (Heck, even Adam Sandler once got it right.) Instead of a wistful boy-meets-girl lark, we must make do with a defense contractor (Bradley Cooper) partnering with a part-Asian fighter pilot (Emma Stone) (seriously, Emma Stone) to stop a satellite launch while still pining for his now-married ex (Rachel McAdams). Ay. Crowe may have had us at Aloha, but he lost us with a convoluted and charmless story.
1. By the Sea
"I smell fish,” Angelina Jolie sneers to her husband (Brad Pitt) upon setting foot onto a beachside resort in Malta. That’s because your film stinks!!! Directed and written by Jolie, it’s the deadly grim tale of a former dancer and a blocked writer sulking around a paradise. Somehow we’re supposed to pity this rich, beautiful, married couple. Or care about them. Or something. At least the dull drama gives us ample time to ponder why Jolie and Pitt decided to put all their chips on this project (and give up their honeymoon to film it, no less). Jennifer Aniston wins 2015!
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