‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Ariana Madix Makes Stassi Schroeder Cry, Kristen Doute Shows Off Jax Taylor’s ‘D–k Pic’

Stassi Schroeder’s war with Lala Kent continues! On the Monday, January 16, episode of Vanderpump Rules, Stassi heard an interesting allegation about Lala’s mysterious boyfriend — but Ariana Madix was quick to defend Lala's ways. Meanwhile, Brittany Cartwright found herself fighting her own battle with Kristen Doute after she made Jax Taylor the butt (or is that another body part?) of her jokes.

The Surprising Star of Kristen’s Show

Lisa Vanderpump announced that the Sur ladies were (finally!) getting new dress uniforms. The Real Housewives star had her assistant, Katie Maloney, bring samples to her office. “We’ve had so many dresses over the years,” Lisa explained. “I feel like putting them all in an orange jumpsuit.” She paused before cheekily adding, “Maybe Jax has got one I can borrow.”

As Katie laid out the different options, she told Lisa about Kristen Doute’s upcoming comedy show. “She’s the least-funny person I know,” Lisa retorted.

Lisa wasn’t interested in seeing Kristen’s sketch comedy group, but the rest of the gang came out to show their support (minus Ariana, who had no time for Kristen’s “amateur” show). Much to everyone’s surprise, Kristen’s sketches were a hit. Her comedy group dished out joke after joke, and the audience erupted when the girls started their “d–k pic” routine.

“Do you have an embarrassing amount of d–k pics on your phone?” a member of Kristen’s comedy group asked the crowd. Kristen was handed a blown-up “penis portrait” that she gladly showed off to the packed venue. Stassi and Scheana Shay doubled over in laughter, but Katie’s jaw dropped the moment she saw the erotic photo. “I think that’s Jax’s penis,” a stunned Katie whispered to Tom Schwartz.

Brittany also recognized the penis — but she wasn’t laughing. She pulled Kristen aside after the show. “I would’ve liked just a little bit of a heads-up,” Brittany told Kristen, visibly annoyed.

But Kristen immediately became defensive. “Wow,” Brittany proclaimed. “This is actually really f–ked up.”

Brittany’s Mom Hears Wedding Bells

Jax and Brittany spent most of Ariana’s birthday trip arguing with each other. But when Brittany’s mother decided to pay the pair a visit in L.A., they chose to put the bickering on the back burner.

“Brittany’s mom is in town for a few days, so some things are going to have to take a back seat,” Jax sighed, listing off his new “rules.” He continued: “No sex, no drinking, no cursing.”

But Brittany’s mom was more concerned about their church attendance than their profanity predilections. “Did you all start going to church?” she pressed the couple. “When you get married, it’s a commitment to your wife. It’s also a commitment to God.”

Jax skirted around the subject, but Brittany’s mother didn’t let up on the wedding talk. “How long are you talking, do we think?” she asked Jax, who responded by burying his face in his hands.

“It would really mean a lot if Jax would answer my mom directly,” Brittany later told the cameras. “Just let her know that you didn’t waste my time.” First comes "d–k pics," then comes marriage?

The Return of Lala

Lala made her anticipated return to Sur after missing Ariana’s birthday getaway. “Hi, guys,” she squeaked as she walked into the restaurant. Ariana and Tom Sandoval responded with death stares.

“What happened?” Tom asked drily. Lala said she simply didn’t want to go on a trip with her Sur coworkers. She claimed that the moment she found out Jax was invited, she had a “pit in her stomach” about going and ultimately decided to bail on the trip last minute.

“We’ve taken a lot of grief f–king sticking up for you, Lala,” Tom told her. “Seriously. And this is how you repay us? By literally ditching out last second?” As Tom called Lala out for her behavior, Scheana walked in and somehow got herself involved in the confrontation. Scheana said she couldn’t believe Lala was trying to argue with Tom and Ariana instead of apologizing.

“Why are you speaking?” Lala barked, throwing her hands in the air. But Lala was outnumbered.

“After this sorry-ass excuse of an apology, I think I’m good on Lala,” Tom stated. “Maybe forever.”

Katie Maloney, Tom Schwartz Nicole Weingart/Bravo

Party Over

Stassi, on the other hand, wasn’t done with Lala. She and Kristen met up with James Kennedy to get some dirt on their nemesis; however, James was hesitant about the get-together.

“Why do they want to meet up with me?” James asked the cameras. “They either want to gain some information on me, find out what my status is working at Sur again, find out why Lala didn’t go to Sonoma … or want a threesome with me.”

Stassi and Kristen quickly reminded James that Lala is a bad person who talks about him behind his back. Clearly swayed, James decided to spill some secrets about Lala’s mysterious boyfriend. He told Stassi and Kristen that Lala’s boyfriend wanted him to sign a confidentiality contract that required to him to keep mum on his identity.

“I’m sure Tom and Ariana got one,” James insisted. “I would bet my life they signed this.”

Stassi told the cameras that Tom and Ariana’s relationship with Lala made her suspicious, but she nonetheless was cool with Ariana attending Katie’s lavish bridal party (held at a huge mansion, complete with an exquisite $200 Taco Bell tower).

Lisa kept the mood light by gifting Katie a “Cougar Katie” blow-up doll (“Schwartzie can shag this blow-up doll without any guilt whatsoever,” Lisa reasoned). But tensions soon ran high when Stassi started pressing Ariana about the NDA she supposedly signed.

Ariana adamantly denied signing the confidentiality contract. Stassi said she didn’t understand why Ariana even showed up to Katie’s bridal shower when all she does is defend Lala’s actions. “Because I care about Katie,” Ariana told her. “I don’t give a f–k about you.” A shocked Stassi walked away, fighting back tears.

Tell Us: Did Ariana go too far with her comments about Stassi? And should Kristen have apologized to Brittany about the revealing pic of Jax?

Vanderpump Rules airs on Bravo Mondays at 9 p.m. ET.

Sign up now for the Us Weekly newsletter to get breaking celebrity news, hot pics and more delivered straight to your inbox!

Want stories like these delivered straight to your phone? Download the Us Weekly iPhone app now!