Mom Shares 21 Hilarious Tips for Expectant Parents: ‘Make 20 Cups of Coffee’

Laura Mazza
Laura Mazza  Courtesy Laura Mazza/Facebook

Every parent-to-be needs a friend like Laura Mazza. The Australian blogger has shared stories about everything from postpartum anxiety to farting in yoga class. Now the the mom of Luca, 3, and Sophia, 18 months, has written a hilarious list titled “21 Tips on How to Prepare for a Baby” and it’s amust-read.

“Set an alarm for every two hours. The alarm has to be loud enough for your neighbor to hear and it has to be a high pitch and repetitive,” Mazza began in the Facebook post published on Tuesday, September 12. “Let the alarm go off for one hour and run around your house hysterical. If at night, make sure to fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off again.”

The 31-year-old instructed expectant moms to wake at 4 a.m., get dressed and then pour milk on yourself and on the bed. “Spray milk on your chest in two patches,” she wrote. “Don’t shower.”

Bathing, according to Mazza, should occur once after eight days. To prep for eating with a baby in your arms, “eat food one handed,” she shared. “Make sure it’s cold.”

Other gems include:

“Make 20 cups of coffee. Don’t drink any of them.”

“When someone asks you ‘how’s things?’ Just talk about poo and sleep.”

“Get wireless internet so you can google everything. Practice googling ‘reflux, colic, why isn’t my baby sleeping, why does my baby hate me, how do I put my baby back in my uterus?”

“Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth. Hate him. Tell him he’s an a—hole who doesn’t get it and ignore him. The more you ignore or yell the better it’ll be for him when the baby comes — if he looks confused . . . you are ready.”

Mazza’s post has received nearly 8,000 comments so far. “You forgot rocking constantly from side to side in the checkout line while holding a loaf of bread,” wrote one woman. Added another: “Also stop doing any kinda housework for a while. Throw random bits of laundry around the house and a few boxes of breast pads and applies everywhere just so you can get the hang of stepping over things.”

Tell Us: What tips would you add?

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