In an interview that aired on TLC Monday, Kate Gosselin said she just wants "peace" for her eight children – yet she refuses to step out of the public spotlight.
"We're too far gone," she said. "Stepping out of the spotlight when it's prudent to do so is a good thing."
Asked if she had any regrets about starring on TLC's Jon and Kate Plus 8, she said, "I would go back and do it again."
Although her estranged husband Jon Gosselin has claimed the show was hurting their kids, Kate said, "There is nothing that would ever force me to put them in harm's way."
Asked if there were ever times when she told cameramen to quit filming because the kids needed privacy, she said, "Absolutely."
She said the show was "a blessing because it was me working with my kids by my side." She said Jon also "enjoyed the trips, the experiences" that the show provided.
"At this point, I can't go back," she said. "Let's face it – being a nurse, a single mom of eight kids, I would not be able to provide for them in any way shape or form."
She said the show "has become our primary income and for that I am very grateful." The curse of being on the show "is all the negativity out there."
Trust Issues
She also said she has lost the support of most of her family, including her brother, Kevin Kreider and his wife Jodi, whom she said have sold untrue stories about her to the press. She said "hurtful" does not even begin to describe how she feels.
"When you look around, and very close trusted people who would never cash you in, for lack of better words, and those people do that and people leave your house and tell completely different stories, you tend not to trust people," she said.
She said she doesn't expect anyone to stand by her side.
"If you are brave enough to step into my world, sorry," she said.
"There are very few people who I can trust," she added. "I look at those people and say, Why do you keep coming back?"
End of her marriage
When the topic turned to the end of her 10-year marriage, she said, "Whatever happened, it happened so quickly."
"I think I was on a plane coming home… and I remember thinking, 'We're not going to recover from this,'" she said.
She added, "At the end of the day, I looked at him and he looked at me, and we were completely different people."
She was careful to note that the show didn't end their marriage.
"Had we never done the show, we would have been struggling .. and that would've gotten the best of us," she said.
Still, by filing for divorce, she said she feels like she failed.
"I've never quit anything in my life," she said. "Our goals just very much changed…" she said of Jon. "I just think somewhere along the lines his goals changed, and they felt detrimental to me and the kids."
She said she doesn't "blame" Jon for anything.
She said he was the one who stayed at home all the time while she was away, and he "was not happy."
Asked who initiated the split, "There was a lot of discussion some time last year. It was a very mutually agreed upon thing."
But she said she doesn't have sympathy for Jon, who has complained that he missed out on much of his 20s because he was a young father of eight. "I think once you become a parent, it's too late to worry about what should've, could've, would've been done," she said.
Still, the split is tough.
"I still wake up everyday, and I think the phone will ring, and it will be the old Jon," she said.
Emasculating Jon
She also admitted that she was too harsh on Jon during their 10-year marriage.
Asked about critics who say she emasculated Jon, Kate said, "To a degree, they're right, yes."
"I was very hard on him and I would never deny that," she added. "I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders."
She said, "I was wrong to treat him that way. Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No."
No Fling With Bodyguard
She said she always travels with bodyguard Steve Neild "for my safety."
Said Kate, "People have a lot of contempt and hate for me and at the end of the day, I need to come home safely to my kids."
She said it was wrong of Jon to suggest she was having an affair with Neild.
"One day it suited his needs to take the spotlight off his bad behavior and turn it on me," she said when asked why he spoke in the press about his suspicious she was having an affair.
Meeting Hailey
Asked about 22-year-old Hailey Glassman (from whom Jon recently said he was taking a break), Kate said she met her "once a few years ago. It was probably like a two-minute meeting."
Hearing about their relationship is "another one of the things that I am dealing with," she said.
As for Haley's claims that Jon was emotionally abusive, Kate said, "I know that he has a lot of anger."
Lessons Learned
Through it all, Kate said, "I have learned to focus on the positive, to take what crumbles around me and find one good thing and hold on to it."
She said a part of her "always will" love Jon.
"It's hard to be married to somebody for 10 years and try to say, 'No, I don't love them anymore.' I love the memories we have together, the good times."
Said Kate, "I would love to get to point where he can put his anger aside… The anger in me isn't as raw as it once was. I would love to get to a point that we can converse like two adults. I am sure we will get there."
