Addressing the Speculation
In the book, Nikki explains that the rumors that the split was planned to help with ratings were extremely hard to see.
“I had to walk away. I had to let it all go. The fallout was terrible, particularly the speculation within the news media and on social media that it was all for ratings,” she writes. “The thing about reality TV is that you don’t get to pick and choose what you show — and the pressure from filming inherently creates drama. It brings things to a head by applying a heavy load to the sensitive parts of your life. Having our relationship fall apart on national TV was excruciating. I had to relive it all again, while also having my heart broken from missing my ex.”
Ultimately, she wishes him well. “I hope our story together will have a happy ending—and in retrospect, I probably wouldn’t change anything about it, because I believe I’ll end up exactly where I’m supposed to be,” she writes. “But I know the path to get there would have been far less tortured if I hadn’t needed to learn a lot of important lessons about tapping into what I want and need and learning how to communicate that to the man I loved most in the world. I don’t know what I was scared of, I don’t know why I held back. But I can probably attribute some of it to my upbringing, and this disease of pleasing, of not knowing how to just hold love without rushing to give it back. I have also learned how to sit with pain, without covering it up or forcing it to be okay.”
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