Grab a massive goblet of wine, and prepare for drama because JoJo Fletcher's rejects are spilling some burning-hot tea. This confused harem of brokenhearted grifters joined Chris Harrison for The Bachelorette's The Men Tell All special on Tuesday, July 26, giving them a chance to get closure with JoJo. And let's be real: The Bachelorette could not care less about any of them because she's too busy bonding with the fleet of monkey friends she made in Thailand.
Because the return of Chad Johnson is an experience that's best enjoyed in real time, we live-blogged tonight's entire episode, so get ready. Will Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist finally get a new shirt? Will Chad double-fist deli meat during commercial breaks? And finally, will Dan the Token Canadian make more awkward Hitler references? We can only hope.
Be sure to start reading at the bottom if you want to read it in chronological order!
9:58 p.m. ET: Chris Harrison Uses the Word Motorboat
Chris Harrison allowed a couple of JoJo's other exes to talk to her, which gave Derek a chance to vindicate himself. Because, guys! Turns out she totally didn't give him a pity rose! "He never asked me for reassurance — that was something I wanted to give to you," JoJo told Derek's haters. "It was never a pity rose."
Meanwhile, Vinny's mom and her free-flowing blonde hair showed up to cheer on her son, and she uttered the profound sentence, "He would never broke you down." Vinny's mom for president, to be honest.
But none of that matters because the Bachelorette blooper reel was revealed. Highlights included JoJo getting attacked by bugs; a monkey drinking Sprite; a unicorn liking JoJo's boobs; and a half-dead seal.
To quote Chris Harrison: "In what other experience do you get motorboated by a unicorn?"
9:40 p.m. ET: JoJo Finally Confronts Her Ex-Boyfriends
For a woman trapped in a room with two dozen of her ex-boyfriends, JoJo handled the situation like a champ. Not only did she real-talk Luke about his closed-off feelings (to quote: "You never said the word love. … I was worried on that last night that maybe you were reacting impulsively"), she had the perfect answer when Chase asked WTF was up with their breakup.
Her answer? "When you told me you love me, for some reason, I felt anxious. … I didn't have that clarity, and I think maybe I found it at the wrong time. And I still feel guilty."
Chase forgave JoJo, but whatever, can we please talk about Chad? Because he called Jordan a "liar and cheater whose own older brother won't even talk to him," and JoJo's response was flawless. "Oh, I could go off right now," she said. "It's not even worth my time. He loves the attention, and we're giving it to him, so he's not even worth my breath."
Yeah, girl, get that standing ovation!
9:25 p.m. ET: Like Luke, Chase Is Also Thirsty for The Bachelor
Remember yesterday, when JoJo let Chase drop the L-word, and then promptly rejected him while a bunch of monkeys were like, "GOOD GOD, WHAT IS LIFE?" Yeah, it was rough, and Chase is pissed.
"I don't understand why she would give me the fantasy suite and then send me home once I tell her I'm in love with her," Chase said. "If you knew you didn't love me beforehand, why would you accept the fantasy suite yourself?"
Chase doesn't regret saying "I love you" to JoJo, but lest you forget, this was the first time he'd ever said those three little words to a woman. Also, he totally started crying while talking about it during The MTA. "It's heartbreaking," Chase said, his face illuminated by the glow of a thousand candles/Chris Harrison's radiating heat. "It did hurt, it still hurts, I still have a lot of love for JoJo." #praying
9:13 p.m. ET: Luke's Still in Love With JoJo, Is Totally Thirsty for The Bachelor
Luke's back, guys, and frankly, he's barely a functioning person anymore. The Horse Whisperer — who poured his heart out to JoJo, only to be rejected — told Chris Harrison that he's still in love with his not-bride, saying, "I still love her. There was a lot of pain that I felt that night, but if it takes me feeling that pain so we can know she's happy, it's all worth it. It makes it worth it. That's how I know I really love her."
But wait, it gets cuter. Turns out, JoJo taught Luke to love: "She kinda taught me to love again," he said. "To learn to love again, and then have it end in such a shocking way. It was hard. I was feeling like I was having anxiety attacks for a couple weeks after that."
So where does Luke go from here? "I got to a place where I'm happy, and I'm ready," he said. "And I'm optimistic about what the future might hold. … I'm ready. I'm ready to fall in love." Soooo, answer: Bachelor Mansion.
9:02 p.m. ET: Chad and Evan Watch Their Fight in Slo-Mo
It's the question on everyone's mind: Will Chad replace the shirt he ripped off Evan's frightened, trembling body? And, more importantly, did Evan push Chad first, or did Chad push Evan? Thanks to watching the clip in slo-mo, it appears as though Evan was actually the first to throw fists, prompting Chad to punch a wall. "My hand hurt for a while," Chad said. "I think it was better than saying bad words. You just knock it out. Knock that wall a little bit, and then you're chill. Slightly chill."
In an even more surprising twist, Wells admitted that the guys Lord of the Flies'd Chad, and said he hoped everyone would understand him better on Bachelor in Paradise. Aww, these two! So does Chad regret any of his controversial decisions? LOL, no. "I don't regret 99 percent of the things that happened," he said. "Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles, you know what I mean?"
Literally, no, Chad. No one knows what you mean ever.
8:54 p.m. ET: Chad Says Jordan Wants to Be Famous, Insults Derek's Pocket-Square Game
Phew. Chad refused to fight Nick while wearing dress shoes, so crisis averted. But he did happily engage in a giant verbal spar with his frenemies, and said some truly iconic things.
On hating Derek: "Your pocket square doesn't match your shirt." (Note: It didn't.)
On hating Alex: "He was just … superannoying."
On hating Jordan: "According to his ex-girlfriend, all he wanted in his life is to be famous."
On Robby: "Robby's not upset about me dating Hope …"
Ugh, apparently we're entering ye olde trope of bros insulting their rivals by accusing them of being gay.
8:43 p.m. ET: Chad's Been Casually Dating His Enemies' Exes
Horrible news: Chris Harrison aired yet more footage of Chad high on the fumes of deli meat, and we're honestly not sure how to feel. Ha ha, just kidding — we feel great because Chad served epic bro-tein shake realness during his interview with Chris Harrison.
Not only did this living legend call Evan a "Dick Doc," he threatened to expose "dirt" on James Taylor, and then dropped the epic news that he's hooked up with both Grant's ex-girlfriend and Robby's ex-girlfriend since leaving The Bachelorette. "All I can say is, they're both beautiful women," Chad said while the world slow-clapped in awe. "They both really are amazing girls." Also, Nick took off his jacket and seemed to be in the process of attacking Chad, but Chris Harrison went to commercial break. No news on if Evan survived the incident with his nose intact.
8:28 p.m. ET: Chad Is Compared to Voldemort, Donald Trump
Honestly, it feels like there should be some sort of Graphic Trigger Warning for the amount of footage we just had to see of Chad eating deli meat in The Bachelorette's "previously on" segment. It was … obscene. But now that we've regained our eyesight, we can talk about Alex, because apparently everyone has a lot of feelings about him. Basically, Derek and Alex still hate each other, Nick accused Alex of being "manipulative," there was some awkward chatter about the little dude's military background, and Daniel was just all, "I don't give a f–k."
Fortunately for Alex, it only took a hot second for everyone to start talking about Chad (who was still trapped in his trailer), and Evan threw some topical, political shade: "Chad was real like Donald Trump is real." BURN! Also, Wells said Chad is Voldemort.
Question: Does this mean Evan is the Boy Who Lived, y/n?
8:13 p.m. ET: Welcome Back to Paradise!
You guys! Chris Harrison is here for some group therapy, and guess what? This is going to be the most ~dramatic~ and ~shocking~ Men Tell All special yet! Mostly because of Chad, who showed up at some random back lot and was immediately sequestered in his own trailer — presumably to get hype on some ham. #HamHype if you will.
Also, ABC finally dropped a Bachelor in Paradise sneak peek, and it looks beyond deranged. Things that happened: 1) The possible impregnation of Ashley Iaconetti; 2) Chad domestically abusing Evan; 3) Chad saying "F–k you, Chris Harrison," and 4) a random, yet-to-be-identified man half-dead and bleeding on a gurney. We can only assume it's Evan based on previous nosebleed catastrophes.
Tell Us: Will JoJo pick Jordan or Robby in next week's Bachelorette finale?
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8 p.m. ET.
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