JoJo Fletcher's love journey continues! Between the shirtless acoustic guitar sessions and the protein shake metaphors, this is shaping up to be the best season of The Bachelorette ever. And guys? It's all thanks to Chad "Binge Eats Deli Meat Like It's My Job" Johnson, who spent the majority of the Monday, June 6, episode threatening people.
Meanwhile, JoJo straddled Chase during a steamy one-on-one, went dancing with James T., and forced her guys to reveal their most salacious sex stories. Let's just say the sentence "I'm gonna teach you how to squirt" was uttered.
Chase and JoJo Straddle Each Other, Nothing to See Here, Etc.
Round of applause to Chris Harrison, because this date was truly — mwah! — perfection. All you really need to know is that Chase and JoJo were forced to partake in a sweaty yoga session, in which they had "anger-gasms," and assumed the Yab Yum position. You know, Yab Yum? It basically consisted of JoJo straddling Chase while their "third eye" was in alignment — and yes, you can feel free to interpret that however you want.
Naturally, JoJo and Chase made out, and both of them seemed pretty thrilled. "I can confidently say this is the first time I've mounted a guy on my first date," JoJo said, while Chase mused, "Now that we've officially Yab Yumed I feel like there is actually a connection there." You better believe Chase got the rose, not to mention a private concert from a band who had the pleasure of watching them kiss.
Checking in on Chad
So, everyone hates Chad, and it's like, whatever, guys: he just wants to drink his protein shakes and eat his ham in peace, mmmk? But that aside, Chad ignited major drama this week, starting with calling Jordan Rodgers "a 27-year-old failed football player" who's done nothing with his life "other than throw a piece of leather." Alex called Chad a "solid piece of s–t" in response, and, yeah, pretty much everyone loathes him. In the words of Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, "I think Chad has two sides to him. You have a douche, and then you also have an a–hole."
JoJo's Men Dish Their Dirty Secrets, Chad Goes Insane in the Membrane
Not to be controversial, but it appears that Chad isn't here for the right reasons. Unless the right reasons include forming an intimate relationship with deli meat, in which case he's doing great. The Bachelorette's resident villain had a total meltdown during the group date, which involved JoJo's boyfriends telling their most embarrassing sex stories. Before we get to his drama, a few things to note: 1) Alex uttered the sentence, "So the moral of the story is don't stick a Gillette razor stick up any girl's ass," 2) Dan recounted the time he chopped a piece of hair off a girl he was having sex with, and 3) Nick mimed oral sex on a woman while singing the ABCs, which has basically ruined the alphabet for us.
But back to Chad. Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist made the mistake of implying that Chad uses steroids as he told his sex story, and the ham-lover's response? Ripping Evan's shirt before taking the stage with JoJo, attempting to mouth-kiss her and being rejected. Oh, and he also punched a door and told Evan, "You're gonna f–king die." What a normal well-adjusted person!
In Which Chad Is Compared to Hitler, Trump and Mussolini
JoJo actually had a pretty good cocktail hour (in that she made out with Jordan), but naturally Chad started more drama. After casually musing "Evan can die," the Macho-Macho-Man sat down with JoJo and tried to cast himself as a misunderstood victim of bullying. Meanwhile, Evan gave JoJo an "it's me or Chad"-style ultimatum, which he immediately backed out of when JoJo gave him a rose. To quote the man himself, "Love is worth getting shoved in the face for."
At this point, Chad had a total meltdown, interrupted JoJo to declare, "Is this real?" and was told off for being disrespectful. Honestly, it's a miracle he's still around rather than wandering around an Oscar Meyer facility with his meat friends.
Bachelor Mansion ended up having to hire a security guard to protect the bros from Chad, while poor Dan tried his best to issue his buddy a warning via the best analogy of all time. Behold:
Dan: "It's like, let's just pretend you're Hitler."
Chad: "Let's not pretend I'm Hitler."
Dan: "OK, but let's just say."
Chad: "Let's not say."
Dan: "Ok, well, let's say you're Donald Trump … So, let's be not so much like Hitler and be more like Mussolini. Or Bush." #Goals
James T. Sings His Way to JoJo's Heart
James T. pulled out all the stops during his date with JoJo! These two dressed in their retro best for a swing-dancing lesson and then danced their pants off in the street — but JoJo wasn't entirely convinced that she felt a romantic connection. "I'm not sure if him and I have that chemistry that I need for a relationship," she told the camera.
JoJo ended up having a change of heart after James told her all about being a misunderstood ugly duckling, and they ended up kissing on the roof of a car while James clutched his guitar (and a rose). Based on the fact that JoJo said, "He makes me feel a way that I'm not used to feeling," we're thinking these two could be end game.
Chris Harrison Tries to Calm Chad, Fails
Pool party! Chris Harrison delivered fabulous news by informing JoJo's bros that they'd been invited to a pool party, which naturally led to lots of totally not sexist comments about seeing her in a bikini. (To quote Chad, "I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.") Sadly, the day didn't exactly get off to a good start thanks to Evan telling on Chad to Chris Harrison, prompting the eternal host to give Chad a lecture about making things right with his fellow boyfriends.
So, did Chad apologize? If you view the following as an apology, then sure: "I'm gonna cut everyone here's legs off and arms off, and there's gonna be torsos, and then I'm gonna throw them in the pool, and I'm gonna f–k up this entire goddamn thing."
Sadly, the episode ended at this point and we have no idea whether or not Chad actually decapitated his friends. Thank god The Bachelorette is on tomorrow night, right?
Tell Us: Do you think Chad is a real threat?
The Bachelorette two-night special continues on ABC Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET.
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