“It was after we struggled with a miscarriage, and I kept waking up with panic attacks, and they were not going away, and it was for, like, two weeks. And I think when you keep waking up with panic attacks over and over, it leads me into a depression, and I just remember thinking like, ‘I don’t wanna wake up like this anymore,’” the Teen Mom OG star, 27, admitted on the Friday, June 14, episode of the “Reality Life With Kate Casey” podcast. “I was just thinking random things like, ‘I’m gonna drive off the road and hit that pole,’ or thinking of all these different ways that I could commit suicide.”
Lowell went on to detail a specific experience that resulted in her asking husband Tyler Baltierra and one of their producers for help. “I was at the house by myself, and I remember [Tyler] had a belt hanging up on one of the hooks in our bedroom, and I remember thinking to myself, ‘I could totally use that belt and wrap it around my neck and just be done with it,’” she recalled.
Those thoughts prompted her to seek treatment. The reality star’s time away allowed her to confront a traumatic piece of her past: giving up the couple’s first child, now 10-year-old daughter Carly, for adoption. “It’s OK to be sad about it sometimes, and it’s OK to be like, ‘Wow, it sucks sometimes,’ and also feel the good too. But you have to feel the sad of it too,” she said of learning to cope with the aftermath. “You can’t just brush it off. In order to get better, you have to feel whatever you’re feeling, whether it’s sad, angry, happy.”
Lowell continued to go to therapy after returning home, and is now on a lower dose of medications after determining what works best for her.
The TV personality and Baltierra, 27, welcomed daughter Vaeda, 4 months, in February. The duo are also parents of daughter Novalee, 4. Lowell confessed on the podcast that the pair want a fourth child but are opting to wait until Vaeda is 2.
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Sign up now for the Us Weekly newsletter to get breaking celebrity news, hot pics and more delivered straight to your inbox!