Things that happened during the Monday, August 15, episode of Bachelor in Paradise: 1) Daniel Maguire shaved Vinny Ventiera's back hair. 2) Dan drank water from Vinny's belly button. 3) Josh Murray, sweatiest human alive, perspired through an entire shirt. 4) Evan Bass professed his feels for two different women, tried to go up against Josh and ended up in the hospital. Let's jump right in, shall we?
Evan Makes a Play for Amanda, Fails Miserably
Remember last week when Evan interrupted Amanda Stanton and Josh's makeout session with the intention of asking her out? And then the episode ended, and you were like "NOOOOOO!" Well, good news — Evan did, in fact, ask out Amanda, and it went just as horribly as expected.
Because she's the sweetest ever, Amanda didn't immediately file a police report when Evan mused, "I've been watching you from afar," and instead let him down gently. But because he's Evan, this dude assumed Amanda was secretly into him (LOL, no), and said, "There was a spark in her eyes." No, Evan — that spark was a tear of panic.
Also, in case you're wondering what Josh got up to while Evan attempted to steal his girl, he "ate" a piece of pizza. And by "ate," we mean he moaned into it orgasmically, ruining Italian food for viewers everywhere.
Evan Confronts Josh, Fails Miserably
Want more Evan drama? You're in luck because everyone's favorite erectile dysfunction specialist decided to once again take Amanda aside — this time to warn her against Josh. "I really want you to just be careful," Evan said. "There's some verbal abuse claims."
Said claims come from Bachelorette Andi Dorfman's tell-all book — which Evan definitely hasn't read. And, yes, Josh was pissed. The pizza-ruining bro took his nemesis aside to defend himself against Andi's claims (to quote: "God knows the truth!"), but Evan wasn't buying his nice-guy routine and accused Josh of being too polished. "I felt like he was kinda spouting inspirational quotes at me," Evan complained to cameras. "One day, this guy's gonna just explode."
Meanwhile, Nick Viall also warned Amanda against her guy, prompting Josh to hilariously say, "The little f–ker put me in a bad mood."
Most Surprising Rose Ceremony Yet? Yep!
The women had control during this week's mid-episode rose ceremony, and here's what went down. Lace hooked up Grant Kemp, Izzy Goodkind hooked up Vinny, Emily Ferguson hooked up Jared Haibon, and Amanda hooked up Josh. Then, in a particularly strange turn of events, Carly Waddell gave Evan her rose, despite vomiting after their kiss. And, yes, he took it the wrong way: "I haven't closed the door on Carly. She might have closed the door on me, but maybe I can sneak back in." #Nope #Stop #Why
In other news, Sarah Herron gave her rose to Dan, and Haley gave her rose to Nick — which means Brandon and Christian are gone, girl.
Jared Trades Up (or Down, Depending on Your Alliances)
Welcome to paradise, Caila Quinn! Ben Higgins' ex-girlfriend made quite an impression when she wandered over to Mexico and immediately hit up Jared for some of his sweet, floppy-haired affection. Kiiiinda an issue, considering he's been hooking up with Emily. "She just comes off as perfect, and sometimes it comes off as condescending. I don't … what does condescending mean?" Emily complained. "I definitely don't like Caila — I've always felt weird about her. I always have felt like she's too perfect, and everything is so much like a pageant queen that it's almost fake."
Jared ended up taking Caila on a date, and they had a fabulous time kissing on the beach. So yeah, now they're a couple, and Emily is a mess. A MESS, guys.
In Which Evan Gets Drunk, Attempts a Push-up, Almost Dies
Damn, Evan — back at it again with the medical emergencies! The poor guy just couldn't keep it together after a night of drinking with Carly & Co., and after attempting to do a push-up and give his ex a kiss, he wandered over to his bedroom and passed out. Pretty normal for Evan, but producers became alarmed after he turned unresponsive, and the next thing we knew, an ambulance was being called. Pray for Evan, guys.
Carly came running to his bedside and was concerned when Evan had trouble remembering the night. Miraculously, Carly then admitted to having the hots for weird guys, and they somehow started making out. Because what's hotter than a guy who needs medical attention for drinking too much and then says he can't remember spending time with you — right?
"I am really quite unsure what to do with you," Carly tells him with a giggle as they cuddle on the bed, moments after he was supposedly near death. Clearly, spooning is the best medicine.
Izzy and Lace's Double Date Takes a Turn for the "OUR EYES"
Izzy and Lace went on a double date with their boyfriends this week (hi, Vinny and Grant!), and it was actually super cute. You know, for about five minutes. Then everyone got wasted and ended up dry-humping each other on stage — in other words, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was Bachelor in Paradise.
Lace confronted a rando girl in the bar, and the police may or may not have been on the scene to regulate the incident. But Grant was there to support his girlfriend, and Lace praised him for having "my back — and my front." Give us a sec while we join Carly to go vomit.
Nick Probably Shouldn't Think About Where That Coconut Has Been
Alas, poor Nick. Nighttime arrived, and the guy was all by his lonesome, as Amanda cavorted with Josh under the covers and told him he's "so sweaty." Nick told the camera that he knows everyone is thinking about Josh: "He did it again to Nick — Nick's a loser." You said it — we didn't, buddy. Later, Josh dropped some coconut onto a certain part of his shorts, and then he nonchalantly picked it up and ate it, and everyone else in the cast was wondering what horrible thing they did in a past life to get stuck having to watch this incredibly unfortunate moment unfold.
And speaking of third wheels, Ashley Iaconetti is back for another presumably awkward, definitely tear-filled season of Paradise! "I'm back in Paradise because I'm still in love with Jared," she told the camera. She pointed out that Jared had recently sent her roses, and that they sometimes share a bed together, although "nothing has happened down there." Yes, America's favorite reality TV virgin is back for some more PG-13 hanky-panky!
Tell Us: Are Evan and Carly the Romeo and Juliet of their time?
Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET.
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