JoJo Fletcher is embarking on her spiritual love journey, and we're following along for the (somewhat bumpy [okay, very bumpy]) ride! The lovable Texas native went on her first dates of the season during the Monday, May 30, episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, and let's just say they were a special mixture of hilarious and romantic — and, uh, full of deli meat. Like, just so much deli meat.
With that in mind, join Us Weekly for our up-to-the-minute updates of this week's episode, wherein JoJo went on two group dates and a one-on-one. In the words of Notorious B.I.G., more boyfriends, more problems.* (*He totally said that.)
By the way, start reading at the bottom of this post if you don't want to begin with the spoilers!
10:00 p.m. ET: Chad Lives to See Another Day
Chad literally won't stop sinister-eating ham and it's freaking us out. But this bonafide villain made it through the rose ceremony, and his thoughts are as follows: "I'm gonna have some protein shakes, keep working out, keep eating the food, and do what I do." Fair.
So, who didn't make the cut? That would be James the Superfan, Brandon the Hipster and Will the Civil Engineer. Bye, forever.
9:48 p.m. ET: Chad Eats More Deli Meat, Gives Zero Effs
Chad's deli meat reign of terror will not cease, but in between binging on ham, he managed to cut off Alex's conversation with JoJo. Naturally, this led to yet another awkward confrontation, but Chad gave zero effs. "It was like watching West Side Story," he said. "It was like if the Care Bears surrounded you and told you they were gonna kick your ass."
To show just how little respect he has for JoJo's other boyfriends, Chad interrupted Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist's conversation with her, causing Alex to once again confront him. "Yo, f–k you, for real," Chad said in his defense. "Keep that s–t up, you're gonna lose your damn teeth."
Ugh, everyone just leave Chad alone and let him live #ThatDeliMeatLife in peace!
9:37 p.m. ET: Chad Eats a Ton of Deli Meat, Remains Flawless
Another day, another cocktail hour. Only this one started with Chad shadily stealing JoJo away from her other boyfriends, which caused them to spiral big time. Like, Alex literally said, "Winter is coming" — that's how dramatic things were.
Meanwhile, Chad spent his free time during cocktail hour binge eating platters of lunch meat, which was equal parts impressive and disgusting. Shoutout to Grant, who mused, "Chad has consumed enough tonight to feed a kindergarten classroom."
Also, we should probably mention that Chase staged a fake snowstorm to impress JoJo, but like, what's the point? The only person who matters is Chad and his stomach full of deli meat.
9:26 p.m. ET: Chad Loves Puppies, Hates People
The main attraction of JoJo's group-date cocktail hour had to be James, who said several amazing things, including "A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that coms from the inside!" and "I'm a guy that loves my family, food, strangers." These two locked lips, and James got a rose, but Chad wasn't buying it, describing James as "a high school sweetheart for a girl who said, 'F–k it.'"
Look, at this point there's no denying that Chad is the actual worst, but he does have one redeeming quality. Turns out he owns a tiny puppy that he inherited from his mom when she died. Puppy! Yay! Now we love him!
9:11 p.m. ET: Chad Continues to Hate on Everyone
Who won the SportsNation power rankings? That would be James — with Chad coming in at a close second. And yes, the polarizing contestant had a total meltdown. "All of you guys just lied to her," Chad complained. "You just told a girl all the things you love about that you don't know s–t about."
This totally normal and not at all crazy guy also told cameras that JoJo "wants a man," and that he does "not care at all what the other guys think." Life motto: #NoNewFriends
9:04 p.m. ET: Chad Accuses JoJo of Being a Nag, She's Into It
So, JoJo's second group date was at ESPN, and the men basically peed their pants with glee. Like, they reacted the way normal people react when they see Beyoncé. Anyway, JoJo's dudes got to appear on SportsNation, and were given several important challenges, one of which involved spinning around in circles and proposing to JoJo. Everyone seemed game except for Chad, who used the opportunity to be a huge jerk. "You need me to tell me all the things I love about you?" Chad told JoJo. "Starting off a little naggy here. If I'm getting nagged, I'm gonna say something."
Obviously, JoJo's other guys called out Chad for being a buzzkill, and he was just like, "Forgive me if I'm not gonna be fake. I'm not an actor. Apparently, you look like you are right now, so that's cool." Oh, and then he was all, "You all don't know her yet — you can't be in love with her. If you are, that's weird."
Also weird? The fact that JoJo actually seemed into Chad. In the words of one guy whose name we haven't memorized yet, "Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender." And yes, that is the second time protein shakes have been brought up in this episode.
8:50 p.m. ET: JoJo and Derek Take Things to the Next Level
Keep bringing that drama, Chad! This super-bro was invited on JoJo's second group date, and managed to insult everyone who wasn't by being all, "You've gone your entire life without her — you can chill."
Meanwhile, JoJo and Derek enjoyed the nighttime portion of their date, where they talked about ~feelings~ (apparently, Derek was cheated on by his fiancée), and gave/received symbolic flowers. Also, they made out by a giant water fountain. It was cute, but to be honest we're not sensing a huge connection here. Pass.
8:42 p.m. ET: JoJo and Derek Make Some #Choices
Time for Derek's one-on-one, which was basically a "choose your adventure" style journey that lead them to San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. There was a helicopter involved, some hand-holding — you know, the usual. Though the best part had to be when JoJo chose to kiss Derek while Alcatraz lurked in the background all, "LOL, hi!"
Over at the house, JoJo's men once again assaulted our eyeballs by singing "Kumbaya"-style, while Chad came up with a beautiful life metaphor: "If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance." Move over, Shakespeare — you're no longer relevant.
8:33 p.m. ET: JoJo Hands Out the Group Date Rose
Poor Luke was super 🙁 because he missed out on time with JoJo, while Grant the IRL Firefighter pulled out all the stops and literally told JoJo, "I'm never gonna leave my house and not wake you up and not kiss you and not tell you I love you before I leave, because as messed up as it sounds, like, there's a chance that I might not come back." Like, who wouldn't kiss a guy after hearing him say that?
Of course, this was a group date, so JoJo had to feign interest during tons of other conversations. Things that happened: 1) We learned that Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist has children, 2) We learned that Luke hasn't dated anyone since 2013, 3) We learned that Luke is a super good kisser despite the fact that his lips have been out of commission for three years, and 4) Wells the Radio DJ got the rose, presumably because he basically died on the battlefield. And yes, Luke was bummed: "I thought JoJo and I had a really good clear connection," he said. "To actually see somebody else get the rose hurt."
Psst: Back at the mansion, Derek got a cryptic date card that read "love is full of choices." In the words of Justin Bieber, what do you mean?
8:25 p.m. ET: JoJo Goes on a Hot Date, Chad Is a Hot Mess
Guys, Chad is just doing the most. Because apparently normal exercise is for wimpy babies, he decided to tie a suitcase to his body and use the poor, broken beams of Bachelor Mansion to do pull-ups. Our eyes.
Meanwhile, JoJo forced her boyfriends to partake in a friendly fireman competition, during which Daniel mused, "The last time I was pulling hoses like that was in my apartment" (#Help #No #Stop #Just #No), and poor Wells the Radio DJ almost died. He literally couldn't handle the heat, mmmk?
At the end of the day, Grant beat Luke to win extra time with JoJo (makes sense — he's an actual firefighter), while JoJo's housebound boyfriends occupied themselves by getting shirtless, singing and playing acoustic guitar while Chad glared at them bitterly. To reiterate our thoughts above, #Help #No #Stop #Just #No
8:09 p.m. ET: JoJo Turns Up the Heat (Like, Literally)
You guys! JoJo's fleet of sister-husbands are so smart and sophisticated! In fact, they started this episode by yelling "YO YO!" off the Bachelor Mansion balcony. We predict many beautiful bromances will come out of this season, but judging from the sinister music that follows him around, Chad is the show's resident villain. Will JoJo fall for his bad-boy charm? Probably, if Chris Harrison has anything to do with it.
Anyway, America's resident sweetheart started things off with a group date in which she dressed as a sexy firefighter and extinguished a flaming limo in the driveway. We're not sure, and we could be wrong, but this might be a metaphor for JoJo's hotness. Though again, please feel free to interpret this very sophisticated metaphor in your own way.
Tell Us: Does Chad have any redeeming qualities? Like, seriously, any?
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8 p.m. ET.
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