Hi, my name is Mara. (Hi Mara)
I'm the Us Weekly movie critic. It's been exactly six days since I saw Gone Girl . . . for the second time.
The first time. . . well, you know how it is. You get caught up in the thrill of an early press screening and you act irresponsibly. You start honing in on trivial facets of filmmaking like character development and plot twists and David Fincher's sense of atmosphere. I'm embarrassed to admit this now.
Screening No. 2 (sniff) is when I hit rock bottom. There I was, sitting third row in the movie theater and staring straight up at a screen that was roughly the size of Rhode Island. And I still missed the film's piece de resistance: Ben Affleck's penis.
Apparently, the appendage — in addition to its outlying, uh, shrubbery — was right there on display in the third act! Right. There. Somehow I paid attention to all of Runner Runner and overlooked what is possibly the single biggest revelatory moment in this actor's amazing career. Argo, Shmargo.
And how did I find out about this, you ask? It's all a blur, but I believe a fellow movie writer (and, ahem, a straight guy) noticed it during the same screening and asked the actor and he copped to it and the clip went viral and, oh my god, somebody just make the pain go away.
People, let my tragic story be a cautionary tale. When you flock to the theater on October 3 to see this delicious novel come to life, I need you to be on high alert. NOW I'M TYPING IN CAPS TO WARN YOU THAT THE MILDEST SPOILER EVER IS AHEAD. So there will be a point, roughly two hours in, in which a character asks Ben's character to take a shower. Ben enters the shower au naturel. A tantalizing sight, but you will want to divert your attention to the other character. Do not fall for this! That's what Fincher wants you to do! Keep your eyes on the prize throughout the entire scene — as well as its immediate aftermath. It's not going to be in your face a la Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But as long as you stay focused, you will be handsomely rewarded.
For me, there's no going back. But friends don't let friends miss out on watershed buzz like this. So enjoy the movie — and the show.
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