Remember when life consisted of watching Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County and wondering if Lauren Conrad (or as she was known back then, LC) would ever get together with Stephen Colletti? Simpler times. Laguna Beach is a pop culture relic, and it deserves to be dusted off and revisited (especially given that yesterday was Emmy Day, and this show won at least 30 Emmys, not to mention several Oscars and a Nobel Peace Prize).
So with The Hills hitting its 10-year anniversary this year, we’re rewinding even further to Laguna Beach‘s September 2004 debut episode and bringing you the most angst-ridden moments. And trust: There are a ton.
Let’s go back. Back to the beginningggggggg.
Chapter 1: Party Planning
It all started when Lo Bosworth and LC decided to plan a formal party at some poor, tragic hotel that was probably flooded with noise complaints and shut down as a result. Of course, finding the perfect theme was a struggle.
Lo: “We did the aristocrat party … like, trophy wife? Aristocrat? … We could do a black-and-white cocktail party!”
Morgan: “We have to make sure you’re not let in the door unless you’re fully decked.”
Note: If you’re not fully decked, what is the actual point in leaving the house?
Chapter 2: Bubble Bathing
Turns out LC and Kristin Cavallari were arch-enemies fighting over the same man: surf shop worker/wearer of gigantic T-shirts, Stephen. He was totally going out with Kristin, but totally crushing on LC, and it was all just really complicated because #highschool. More importantly, this is what kids in Laguna did for fun in the early aughts:
Dieter Schmitz: “We’re going bubble bathing tonight — you wanna come?”
LC: “Bubble bathing?”
Trey Phillips: We’re gonna be putting bubble bath in Jacuzzis so that it creates a massive amount of bubbles.
Retroactively praying for our nation’s youth.
Chapter 3: Trey’s Tragic Soiree
While LC and Stephen made dreamy eyes at each other over at Trey’s backyard get-together, Kristin painted her nails with a squad member and threw shade at LC. *shudders at the drama/lives for the drama*
Kristin: “She’s, like, a stuck-up little brat.”
Tell us what you really think, friend.
Chapter 4: Sexual Tension
The next day, LC and Stephen bonded over LC’s new home’s construction zone, and had an invigorating conversation in which Stephen came off as super smart.
LC: “[My dad’s] somewhere measuring stuff.”
Stephen: “Shut up, he has to do that kinda stuff?”
LC: “My dad’s an architect — he’s gotta do all that fun stuff.”
Stephen: “Why doesn’t he just draw something?”
Attn. all architects, you are doing it wrong. Stephen knows.
Chapter 5: Enter Talan
While LC and Stephen trolled the construction zone, Kristen met up with Talan Torriero, and we found out that he’s basically the high school bicycle.
Talan: “You hook up with him, he hooks up with Lauren, and I kinda come in on the side kinda like, grab one of you every once and a while, ya know? Naush.”
Note: We believe “naush” is aughts teen for “nauseous,” but it’s unclear. He also could have said “gosh,” but we prefer to think he said “naush.”
Chapter 6: Stephen’s Life Is So Hard
Stephen eventually met with his friends to have an important discussion about his girlfriends because between all the women that want to date him and the pressure of those grueling surf shop hours, life is hard.
Stephen: “Kristin’s like a really good girl to hook up with and have fun with … coming down to the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, Lauren would be a better girl.”
Polster: “It’s a tough choice, man.”
Important update: There appears to be someone named Polster on this show.
Chapter 7: Party Time
Finally, the whole gang gathered at a hotel, and Kristin made it extremely clear that she hates everyone, especially Lauren.
LC: “I swear, if Kristin says she wants to leave one more time, I’m gonna pick her up and physically remove her.”
Tell Us: Should Laguna Beach still be on the air? This is a rhetorical question because the answer is clearly yes!
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