If hating Chad is right, we don't want to be wrong. The Bachelorette's resident villain was more deranged than ever during the Tuesday, June 7, episode, threatening to hunt down Jordan post-show before going on a brutal two-on-one date with JoJo Fletcher. Meanwhile, ABC's leading lady had a sexy hot tub session with Luke and made out on a pool table during her football-themed group date.
Also important: Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, got not one but two bloody noses during the course of this episode. #SendPrayers
JoJo Gets Wet-'n'-Wild With Her Guys, Chad Pouts
Please cast your mind back to yesterday: the harrowing day in which Chad threatened to chop off all the limbs of his fellow contestants. The good news? He managed not to murder anyone, other than a plate of meat. The bad news? He refused to issue Evan an apology for ripping his shirt, spent most of the pool party pouting in a corner and playing with inflatable noodles, and got into a fight with Derek, who a) accused him of being on The Bachelorette for attention, and b) told JoJo that security was patrolling because of Chad's anger issues. The ham-lover's response? "Mind your own business, live your own f–king life." So rational and kind; honestly, why wouldn't JoJo want to spend the rest of her life with him?
Speaking of JoJo, she had a blast at the party, which basically consisted of her frolicking in both an actual pool and a pool of shirtless men. She even got to make out with Jordan! Sadly, tragedy struck when Evan got a bloody nose from diving a little too enthusiastically into the pool, and even more tragedy struck when Chad felt the need to kick a helpless inflatable swan.
Also, in case you're wondering, JoJo still seemed pretty into Chad at this point. Despite the fact that he's clearly here for the — wait for it — wrong reasons.
JoJo Sends Three Dudes Packing, Chad Pouts
So, did JoJo send Chad home during the Rose Ceremony? Nope, not so much. For reasons that can best be chalked up to insanity, Chad was allowed to remain in Bachelor Mansion and JoJo instead said adieu to Christian, Ali and Nick. She also informed everyone that they were ditching California, which brings us to the rural Pennsylvania portion of this recap.
Red Alert: JoJo Might Be Falling in Love With Luke
Luke + JoJo = cutest couple ever! These two chilled in the woods after being dragged around Pennsylvania by a bunch of traumatized huskies, and JoJo got a chance to see Luke chop wood for their personal hot tub. And when we say "personal," we're obviously aware of the fact that this water-logged make-out session was being filmed by a fleet of cameramen. Anyway, JoJo was straight-up enchanted by Luke — especially after he ditched his clothing. "Let's be honest, I really just wanna see Luke take his shirt off," JoJo said. "Oh, my God, he's in impeccable shape."
It should be noted that JoJo and Luke's hot tub tried to kill them with its burning temps, but fear not — once immersed, they had a fabulous time fondling each other and nibbling seductively on strawberries. It's hardly a shock that JoJo gave her man a rose at the end of the evening, which was spent making out while Dan + Shay played to them and real-talking about Luke's time as a platoon leader in Afghanistan. (Sadly, a close friend of his was KIA.)
"When I think of the future, the type of man I want to spend my life with, Luke fits that perfectly," JoJo dreamy-sighed. "I was swept off my feet tonight. I know that Luke would be an amazing husband. If tonight is any indication of what can happen in the future, I will fall madly in love with Luke."
Jordan Sweeps JoJo Off Her Feet, Evan Gets a Bloody Nose
Chad wasn't on this week's group date, but it still managed to be highly entertaining due to how epically terrible everyone is at football. James T. started bleeding from his eye, and don't even get us started on Evan, who got yet another bloody nose despite claiming to be in "beast mode."
Only half of them ended up spending the evening with JoJo, thanks to a winner-takes-all football game, which gave JoJo a chance to make some new connections. And by that we mean she made out with Robby on a pool table because "he's a man [and] he makes me feel sexy." Fair 'nuff.
JoJo also chatted with Jordan about being hard to read, and he finally expressed his feelings. "I feel like I'm falling for you," Jordan said while JoJo's eyes turned into hearts. "I can see somebody that I can fall in love with." His reward? Kisses + a rose. Sorry, Robby!
Chad Threatens to Hunt Jordan Post-Show
Guys, the moment you've been waiting for is finally here: JoJo's two-on-one date with Chad and Alex. Honestly, we don't even know where to start, but it should be noted that The Bachelorette editing crew had a lot of fun splicing together footage of Chad with a bear. We're not sure, but we think they might be trying to create a very subtle metaphor.
Of course, before Alex and Chad battled for JoJo, they had several hilarious conversations with the boyfriend squad, during which Chad called Alex a "whiny little bitch," and Alex was just all "I will f–king lay you out. I will lay you the f–k out, bitch." And it only gets better because Chad also had some predate words for Jordan.
"You think this is a show. And you think you're safe for now. But one day this ends," Chad said, sounding not at all crazy. "And when this ends, you go home. And when you go home, you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way to come to your house? I'm dead f–king serious."
To quote Jordan, "He has mental issues." ¯_(ツ)_/¯
JoJo Finally Wises Up to Chad's Insanity
JoJo's two-on-one had to have been the most horrible/amazing date in Bachelorette history. All you really need to know is that after hiking awkwardly through the woods, Alex got a chance to steal JoJo away and dish some dirt on Chad. Mainly, that he's a total psycho who might kill them all at any moment. "I feel like I learned a lot about Chad that I didn't know," JoJo said after their chat. "I'm honestly shocked about the things that I'm hearing."
JoJo ended up confronting Chad about his violent outbursts, and while he claimed not to be an "aggressive guy," he turned around and threatened Alex while JoJo was off thinking in the woods. "It's just unfortunate I can't hurt you right now without getting in trouble," Chad grumbled, before engaging in a totally strange conversation, during which phrases like "hay's in the barn dude" and "pigs are in the castle" were used. No clue what any of that means, but all that matters is Chad didn't deny threatening people when JoJo came back and asked him point-blank. "Chad, I don't think that you're the person that you say you are," she said before handing the rose to Alex. Chad's gentlemanly reaction? "She's either an actress, or she's completely f–king retarded." #HusbandMaterial
Well, guess that's the end of Chad! Oh, wait, never mind, because this episode ended with him wandering back to the mansion and scratching his fingers down the front door — a move we haven't seen since the days of '90s horror movies.
Tell Us: Do you think Chad is going to hunt down Jordan?
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8 p.m. ET.
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