Kesha opened up about the “beautiful” healing process she’s undergone since she sought treatment for her eating disorder.
The pop star, 36, explained that the first step was checking into rehab in 2014 for an inpatient program to treat her bulimia. “I had a particular moment with my eating disorder when the anxiety just got so high that I was not functioning,” she recalled in an interview with Self published on Tuesday, June 20. “It was taking up so much of my brain space, from morning to night. I was obsessed with what I looked like, what went in my mouth, what size things were and people’s approval.”
After working with therapists and establishing new routines, however, Kesha said she’s no longer worried about the things that gave her so much anxiety in the past.
“No one could have told me this 10 years ago, but … freedom from that obsession is there,” she explained. “It takes work to get there. But sitting here knowing that I don’t count any calories, I don’t know what my pant size is and I don’t weigh myself is so beautiful.”
While Kesha has developed a reputation over the years as a party girl, she noted that her pre-show rituals would likely shock fans who remember her only as the woman who sang about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack.
“I always have three meal breaks, ’cause being in recovery, I need to have time to sit and have a meal,” she told Self of her tour routine. “I have about 30 minutes before I go on stage where I meditate, stretch and do breathing exercises. People probably think I’m back there doing shots, and [my routine is] the most zen s–t you’ve ever seen.”
When she’s at home, she takes time to enjoy her food, shopping for ingredients at the farmers market and cooking for fun.
Kesha has been candid about her eating disorder in the past, telling Rolling Stone in October 2017 that she could pinpoint the exact moment she realized she needed help — she was at a dinner party, pretending to eat her meal.
“And then finally I was like, ‘F–k. This. S–t. F–k this s–t. I’m hungry!’ And I am so anxious that I feel like I’m going to explode from all the secrets,” she recalled at the time. “All the secret times I’m pretending to eat or other times I’m purging, and I’m trying to not let anybody know. And I’m just f–king sick of this shit. And I remember just shaking because I was so fed up, so anxious, and I was just mad that I had let myself get to that point.”
After completing her rehab stay, Kesha began channeling her emotions into her album Rainbow, which dropped in August 2017. “I feel like I took my life back,” she told CBS Sunday Morning after the album’s release.
Kesha just debuted her fifth studio album, Gag Order, the title of which is a nod to her ongoing court battle with Dr. Luke. In 2014, she filed a lawsuit against her former producer, 49, accusing him of sexual assault, battery and harassment. Dr. Luke, whose real name is Lukasz Gottwald, denied all of Kesha’s allegations and filed his own lawsuit against Kesha, accusing her of defamation.
Earlier this month, the New York Court of Appeals ruled that Dr. Luke is a “public figure,” so he must prove that Kesha acted with actual malice in order to win his suit. The ruling reversed a previous judgment that said Dr. Luke was a private figure, which would have given him a lower burden of proof. The trial for the defamation suit is set to begin in July.
Speaking to Self, Kesha explained that she’s been trying to be more open about the legal situation, which has been part of her life for the better part of a decade. “I’ve never, ever been in touch with my anger, and my acupuncturist told me, ‘You need to go on a mountain and scream,'” she said, recalling that she didn’t “feel angry” at first.
After she got in touch with her feelings, however, she found herself pouring them into her music. “With this album, it was the first time I shed real light on subjects that, previously, I was too nervous to,” she explained. “I didn’t want to bring people down — I really like to make people move their energy and dance and be happy. But I was doing myself a disservice as an artist to just placate what I felt like people wanted from me. I had to shed light on the darker sides of what happens in my mind.”
If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, visit the National Eating Disorders (NEDA) website or call their hotline at (800) 931-2237 to get help.
