The Real Housewives of Orange County alum, 31, shared a photo on Instagram that showed her hugging a teddy bear with a ribbon around its neck with her son’s name.
“This bear weighs exactly 11 pounds and 4 ounces. Exactly the size of the hole in my heart,” the former reality TV star wrote. “But thanks to this thoughtful gift, my arms don’t feel so painfully empty. I can’t quite articulate how much carrying the exact weight of McCoy against my body grounds me. I think my physical need for him will be there forever, the heaviness of his absence always present. But this sure helps. Thank you @kylieraedesigns for this big dude and thank you @mb_jackets for the custom ribbon.”
“Also feeling thankful for my new (first) tattoo, with my son’s ashes in the ink… so that my baby can be with me always,” she continued. “He can stay forever in my arms this way, in the place he last rested. I know I’m privileged in my grief, to have the support of so many. It’s very hard to feel lucky right now, and yet, somehow, I know I am.”
Keough, who also shares daughter Decker, 4, with husband Kyle Bosworth, wrote that she is “very much ready for the dick kicks to stop” as virtual strangers, like a grocery delivery person, say things like, “The baby should have been born by now, right?”
“When I say ‘It’s okay,’ I don’t mean ‘I’m okay,’ I’m saying I know you didn’t know,” she continued. “But I promise, you’re not upsetting me by ‘reminding’ me, I’ll never need a reminder. I’m just sad that the answer to your question isn’t what I hoped it would be. It should be a joyful Q&A, not a landmine. It should be different. Instead, here I am, clutching a stuffed toy wishing it was a real boy.”
She ended her post with a message to her fellow “Instead Mamas”: “I thank you especially for all the continued comfort, encouragement, and love. And you’re right, it is getting easier to bear. (Look! I even did a pun. Good for me.)”
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