90 Day Fiancé star Ashley Martson shared a photo of herself in tears on Sunday, December 29, and admitted she is still in love with her estranged husband, Jay Smith.
“This is as raw and real as I can be. I’m fighting the tears just typing this,” the TLC star, 33, captioned the bathroom selfie from May that showed her with mascara running down her face. “This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time.”
Martson, who appeared on season 6 of the reality TV show with Smith, wrote that he “showed up to my party, unannounced. We were civil and had an appearance the next day so it was okay. He said Happy Birthday. He had drinks and hung out with his friends.”
But when she left the party and got into an Uber with her friend Carina Passalacqua, “the tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew… I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children. My heart was broken into a million pieces and the walls completely caved in around me. Everything I kept bottled in poured out of my eyes in the back of this Uber. My best friend, who is a true best friend, didn’t even ask. She just began crying as well. She saw me hurt for so long and try and act like I was okay even though she knew I wasn’t okay. She felt my pain and we both just cried. The whole ride to our hotel.”
“I never felt a hurt like this in my life. Ever,” Martson continued. “I’m not blaming all this on him. That’s not why I’m posting this. I just want men and women to both know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to fail. Whats not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces.”
“To this day I still hurt,” she admitted. “I still love him. I just have come to terms with the fact it’s over and I’m gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds. There is no more Ashley and Jay. I’m leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It’s about to be a new year and I’m ready to start a new chapter and not look back. Thank you for all your support through this hard time.”
Martson, who met Smith, 22, when she was on vacation in Jamaica, initially filed for divorce in January only to have a change of heart as they reconciled. She filed a second time in April after he allegedly cheated on her, and three months later she sought a protection from abuse order against him.
Smith was arrested on July 3 but Martson dropped both the order and the divorce when they decided to give their relationship another try.
The tumultuous couple split again in October after Smith allegedly got another woman pregnant.
“I’m a big believer in following your heart and it is true that I took Jay back once again. I know people will judge me and, while I can accept that, it was ultimately my decision,” she explained in a statement to In Touch on October 19, adding that “Jay confirmed it himself on the phone that he did indeed have another girl who is claiming he got her pregnant.”
“I am distraught yet again and am picking up the pieces and doing my best to move on,” Martson concluded. “I know that I only have myself to blame for the situation I’m in again. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I can safely say I am, once and for all, done with Jay.”
