On VH1's Behind the Music: Jennifer Hudson on Monday, the singer, 28, opened up for the first time about the tragic 2008 murders of her mother Darnell, brother Jason and nephew Julian.
"It's all a blur, it was surreal," she said. "It was like I was outside of myself."
For two weeks, she secluded herself in one room with loved ones.
"I prayed when I'd get up in the morning and prayed before I laid down at night," she recalled. Looking back, the Oscar-winning actress said she feels like she's "lived about three or four different lives."
Helping her heal? Her fiance David Otunga and their son David, who they welcomed last August.
She says her son "reminds me of my nephew."
While raising her son, she said she often thinks about her late mother.
"In so many ways I channel her because she was such a great mom ..." said Hudson. "I want him to get the same love and the same upbringing my mother gave us."